Please forgive me as I bounce through all these crazy thoughts in my head and hormones. I'm slowly getting back to normal, and I've just spent the past week reevaluating my entire life. Mid-Life Crisis came early? Possibly....
I have been having many conversations with my mother. Surprisingly, she's really opened up a lot to me - more than she has before. And I have to thank texting for that. She's texting all. the. time! She loves texting. And with texting both of her daughters that live far away, she's opened up a lot. She's a writer. She never knew it. She does a much better job of communicating her feelings and her thoughts through writing. I don't think my mother has ever really had that avenue to use before. Now that she's discovered texting - so many things make sense.
My mom is lonely. Just like me. Which is ridiculous because we live an hour and 45 minutes away from each other. We really could see each other whenever we wanted. But an hour and 45 minutes away is still long enough to consider a "trip". There's planning and working around schedules and all that hoop-la. However, it makes a lot of sense that we're both lonely. We always had our families. My mom was home the most - and whether or not we got along and had that perfect mother/daughter relationship, we relied on each other's presence. Now that my sister is like... forever far away (ok ok, maybe 7-8 hours), and I'm on my own doing my own thing... and my mother made a daring career choice and quit her job. She's bored, and she's lonely. And the two topics we can bond on now are loneliness and finding a job/career.
Don't get me wrong. I love my job. My coworkers are the best. My boss is very forgiving and understanding. And the hours are flexible. I can work from home if I need to, which is cool (and probably something I should be doing right now instead of playing Candy Crush, texting, and writing this blog...). But... I don't think it's "me." It's just not my gig, ya know? Something is just missing, and I can't put my finger on it. I am very blessed to have a job at all.
In my conversations with my mother and with my husband, I've realized I'm doing everything all wrong in life. I get online and I compare my life with so many other people. I degrade myself. I make myself miserable - and in turn make others around me miserable. I'm just tearing myself down. I'm being
fake.
I've realized that I need to make a few adjustments to my life. I have this Pinterest board called
Secrets to Happiness and I've realized, I'm making everything too complicated and stressful. This is why I get stuck at home, why I'm tired all the time, and why I feel so "unhappy." I made a Pinterest board about Happiness because I'm searching for happiness - like there's some miracle cure, some piece of the pie that I can grab, and boom - I'm the most chipper mother fucker you'll ever meet. But let's be honest now.... happiness isn't a tangible thing. You can't just grab it. You can't find it. No one and nothing can give it to you. Happiness is a state of being. And without that state of being and mindset, I'm going to be lonely. I'm going to sell myself short. I'm not going to get the next job. I'm going to be stuck right here in my little pity party... alone.
So I say fuck it. 2014 is a new beginning. I started putting up cheesy quotes on index cards and taped them to the bathroom mirror. I've put some on our "Bill Board" where all of our bills go. Here it is. Time to stop being fake. Let's be real. Because this... this girl from 2010... 2012... and especially the one from yesterday.... she's not me. I've lost myself in all my struggles. I thought I was growing stronger, but instead, I became a stranger. No wonder why nothing makes sense in my life.
I've thought about this today. Now that I've recognized this... how do I fix it? What did I do when I was the happiest? Well... I was probably like, 5 or 6. I was the most happiest kid around. I made friends at the doctor's office while waiting for my shots. I made a new best friend with a little girl in the booth beside us when the family went to dinner. I ran. I played. I had an imagination. And most importantly, I never thought I had anything to worry about. This was it, take it or leave it and have fun. That was my gig.
I've proposed a little list for myself for how to repair the broken Liz. What would 6 year old Elizabeth say to 27 year old Elizabeth?
1. Who cares?
Didn't get that project done? Who cares?
Didn't get to the dishes? Who cares?
Put a run in your hose? Who cares?
Dropped the dirty kitty litter on the carpet when cleaning it? So what?
Missed an appointment? Who cares?
Seriously, though. Who cares? Shit happens. Move on. Clean it up. Reschedule. Take the hose off. Do it tomorrow. Who really cares? When the day is done, you'd done what you can. So what if you didn't do it all. You're human. Life happens. Don't turn an ant hill into a mountain. It doesn't really matter.
2. Listen to your parents.
Yep. Mom and dad were always right. Sure they didn't have all the answers. But running off to college without a clue, disregarding what your dad said about starting off at a community college, picking a legit skill or trade that will be lucrative, follow where the stability is.... yeah, he knew what he was talking about.
Instead, you didn't take his advice, yelled at him for not believing in you (when he saw what you were capable of was trying to GUIDE you to a better path), messed up, didn't ask for help, and thought you could do it all on your own without him. You basically just took his sincere advice and threw it in dog crap, stomped on it, and said, "this is what I think of your opinion." Forget that he, you know, did just about everything to make sure you were taken care of and fought for you your whole entire life and looked out for your best interest....
Don't do it again. You parents are always there for you through thick and thin. They have the BEST advice. Listen to it, even if you don't think they are right. Just do it anyway. Who knows what doors that will open up for you. It couldn't be worse than what you're feeling when you do it alone.
3. Do SOMETHING.
Just do something. Very simple. Whether it's writing a blog, cleaning the house, go on a walk, read a book, play with the cats, call your parents... whatever it is: do something. Sitting around all day is BORING. Get off of Facebook. Get off of the games. Do something. You have plenty of time to do absolutely nothing when you sleep, when you're sick, and when you're dead.
4. PLAY
Very similar to #3 - but play. Give yourself a recess every day. Had a long day at work? Go do something fun. Play in the snow for once. Play tag with your husband. Go visit your nephew and play with his cars. Live a little. Nothing here mentioned costs a dime - it's great exercise, and you'll feel like a kid again. Stay young for as long as you can! Go play!
5. Forget the Rest of Them.
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right -- for you'll be criticized anyway." Eleanor Roosevelt.
People are going to talk about you. People are going to hate you. People are going to think you aren't good enough. Forget them!
Really, no one cares about their opinion of you. So stop worrying about it. Forget them! Overhear someone saying something bad about you? Fuck 'em. They aren't a priority in your life.
Applying for job? Don't stress it. Show what you've got and who you are - and if they don't think you're good enough - forget them! Don't let it eat up your self esteem and self worth.
Travis thinks you are valuable. Your parents think you are valuable. Your sister thinks you are valuable. Forget the rest of them. I'm pretty sure when you stop caring what everyone else thinks, you'll find peace with yourself and those around you.
6. Stop with the Negative Talk
Stop talking badly about yourself.
Stop talking badly about other people.
What you reap is what you sow, and no one trusts a gossiper.
Find a lot of backstabbers in your life? Because you put them there.
Stop it. You let them and their negativity have power over you. Just be happy. It isn't that hard. Be positive. Be optimistic. Never say another negative thing or engage is stupid gossip. This includes talking to yourself in the mirror!!!
"I'm ok." That's all you need to verify.
"She's ok." That's all you need to care about.
"He's ok." That's it - no more thinking into it.
Ok is better than negativity.
7. Find a Friend Everywhere
You ARE shy. That's totally ok. But you're an extrovert too. So don't clam up. Make a friend. Engage in conversations with strangers. Be nice just because you can be. No one gives a shit what you're talking about - just that you are acknowledging their presence. That says a lot. Find a friend everywhere you go. Smile. If you have to force it, think of something funny. Be open. You don't have to talk the whole time. Just simple gesture is how it begins. Just a smile. Just a happy "good morning".
Some random person wants to make a joke - accept it! Laugh heartedly. Don't automatically assume they are a freak. They are offering you kindness and a smile to your day. You don't have to strike up a long in depth conversation. Just find a friend and be light hearted.
No one is asking for your direct attention. No one is asking for a thesis about world peace. Don't take it so hard. Just be shy and be sweet. Find a friend everywhere you go - including the gas station, grocery store, a random trip to the restroom. It doesn't have to be in depth - just kind. Don't avoid people - or they'll avoid you too.
8. Don't Beat Around the Bush
What the fuck do you want? Remember when you were little? "Mom, can I have a popsicle?" "Dad, can I have a hug?" Freaking ask!! Don't think everyone has ESP! Speak up. Someone made you mad? "That made me upset."
Someone said something rude? "That wasn't very nice." Put it out there!
Say something! Are you overworked? "Can you help me?" OMG, it really isn't that hard - and people will be very appreciative that you even had the balls to just flat out say it.
One of the most impressive things that happened this week was blatantly saying, "I don't think how you treated him was fair given the circumstances he is under." SPEECHLESS. It really hit them deep and you could see it! Just SAY IT OUT LOUD. Don't assume that people are going to figure out how you are feeling or are supposed to know your emotions are wacked out! People don't know! They have their world that they know. You don't know what is going on in their mind or their life.
9. Apologize & Forgive
It's a heavy burden to carry... Resentment. Regret. Guilt. Hurt. Anger. Don't try to carry it. Say sorry when you know you should. Forgive, even when you don't think they deserve it. Do it for your sanity and your peace. Remember being 6? When someone said sorry, how did you respond? "It's ok."
That's right! It's ok. Move on. Then after they said sorry and you said it was ok, what did you do? Continued doing whatever you were already doing! If you were playing, you moved on and kept playing. Let it go!
10. Money Doesn't Control You
You'll never have enough. So stop freaking out about it.
The bills will get paid. You and Travis have a way of making everything work. So stop trying so hard to keep tabs on every single cent. You live once. Life happens. It's been proven time and time again that it always works out. So stop fretting about the dollar signs.
It's ok to budget. It's ok to keep an eye out and just verify the bank account is ok. Just don't let it consume you. Money IS NOT everything. Sure, it'd be nice to have the finer things, but honestly, you were happy with a stick when you were 6. You had an old tire tied to a tree that kept you entertained for hours.
And when you are really in a pickle, you've proven that you can do without the extra fluff to get by. You can make it. Don't let money own you. It doesn't control you - you control it.
11. Take Care of Yourself
If you are tired, rest.
If you feel a surge of energy, get up and run.
Listen to what your body is saying. It knows what it needs better than you do.
Discipline yourself and be proud that you CAN brush your teeth and comb your hair.
Wash your face every night, because it makes you feel better.
Eat right, because you feel better.
Drink water, because you feel better.
Exercise because it makes you feel good.
Sleep at night, because you feel better.
Pray every day, because it makes your feel better.
Seriously, do things that make you feel better! By not taking care of yourself, you're telling everyone else not to take care of you. You are telling the world you don't need to be taken care of - and you do. You are inviting the world to make you exhausted, to make you sad, to make you feel gross, to make you feel less than yourself. Don't. Taking care of yourself isn't a chore. It's a recreation. It makes you feel good - so why not do it?
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It may seem a little juvenile, but that's the point. I get so caught up in being an adult and carrying so much weight (worry, stress, heartache, guilt, pity, etc). It gets exhausting. When I was little, the weight I carried was so light, I had energy! I had life. That is what I need to go back to.
That is what I need most: to be a little bit more like my 6 year old self....
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