Thursday, October 18, 2012

Feeling Down

Recently, a couple of people I know personally told me that they loved reading my blogs.  WHO KNEW?  I didn't think anyone really read them, so I stopped blogging back in August.

This is my confession.  I'm lazy.  Let's just be honest here.  If I don't have to do it, I won't do it.  Unfortunately, such a vice is more hazardous than enjoyable.  It's definitely my biggest sin... SLOTH.  It sounds terrible.  It's not an attractive trait at all.  And I've realized it's a habit that's making me unhappy with life.

I think what happened to me was that I settled in my disappointments about my life.  I focused on the negative.  I look at our bills every month and look at our income, and I cry.  I think of the amazing apartment we had in Bloomington, the joys of being free to roam, and seeing my friends and family randomly at my door every single day.  I loved it.  We had our furniture, whether it was hand-me-downs or purchased, and we were happy.  We had our privacy.  We had our alone times.  Travis and I really loved being just the two of us.  And then I look at where we are today...

I love our family.  They have been incredibly supportive.  We'd be homeless if it weren't for our generous and loving family.  I've been blessed.  But it breaks my heart every day to see our income is less than it was before moving to Fort Wayne, our monthly bills are the exact same amount as when we lived in Bloomington, we've sold a good portion of our furniture, and we pretty much live in a bedroom at my father-in-law's and my grandfather-in-law's home with the rest of our items stored in a friend's warehouse.  This is not where I expected to be 10 months after moving to Fort Wayne to pursue our life together.

Being a recent graduate, I'm scared.  I'm scared that Travis and I will never afford a home of our own.  I'm scared that I'll never have the career to support my family.  I get frightened when applying for jobs - as silly as it is - because I'm afraid I don't know what I'm doing or how to sell myself to a potential employer.  After all, what experience do I have to offer?  I'm intimidated by the amazing talent that my fellow peers have.  And most of all, I'm scared about my health.

Ok, ok, I know, tons of people have heard the story.  I have birth defects.  Intestinal Malrotation (IM) and Bicornuate Uterus (BU).  With no health insurance, I don't go to a doctor like I should... like I need to.  We just cannot afford it right now to go as often as I need to and to pay for the medications and treatments I need.  What makes it worse is the pain.  It hits me out of the blue.  And when it does, I cannot do anything.  It's paralyzing.  If I had the money to afford medications and regular treatment, I wouldn't be in such pain.  We've tried applying for MedicAid, but I have to be disabled or pregnant.  We've tried applying for the Healthy Indiana Plan, but we were told it'd be 2 years before I could receive insurance since the waitlist is so long.  Previously, when I applied for insurance on my own, I was given a quote, then told I was denied.  Fingers crossed, Travis may have a job at a local popcorn factory that would give us insurance.  If he gets the job (which I'm confident he will), we'd have a 90 day period to wait before we can finally have insurance through his job.  I'm counting down the days....

These past 24 hours have been pretty agonizing.  My IM and GERD have been giving me a lot of pain and issues.  I noticed something wasn't right last month.  When I called the local Neighborhood Clinic to schedule an appointment, they said there wasn't any openings for over a week.  When the receptionist asked for the reason behind my visit, I told her I had no idea if it was my IM or GERD giving me such terrible pain.  I don't know what's going on.  She scheduled an appointment for me for tomorrow morning.  We're taking money out of our emergency fund for my visit tomorrow.  I can't wait any longer to find out what's happening.  We will see what's going on with my innards tomorrow.  I'll keep my followers posted.

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