Genealogy Obsession

I'm pretty bad about keeping up with this blog because, in all honesty, I don't really think my daily life is all that amusing or entertaining.  I've been pretty tied up with work and what not, and never really had the energy to document my life.  I mean.... I just work, ya know?  Nothing too glamorous going on here.

I've been planning to do this for a very long time.  I'm completely and totally obsessed with my family genealogy.  It's the only thing I really want to get into more.  But, it's overwhelming.  So I created another blog dedicated solely to my genealogy research - and basically starting from scratch.  Well, not totally from scratch, but basically making sure I am doing it right.  I'm learning all over again.  It's been something I've wanted to do for years.  Since I have some free time now, I'm cleaning up and reorganizing.  I just wanted to share it:  The Chronicles of Cheri

Feel free to follow my journey to discovering the past! :)

My Very First Tattoo

Welp, I got that tattoo! My very first one!  And it's perfect. I love it. And now, I want more! Here's my beauty:

Honestly, it did not hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would.  I don't know what I was expecting.... Like, I figured I'd walk in, and they'd laugh at me for being this itty bitty little thing.  Or that it was going to hurt so bad, I'd cry.  It tickled in spots, I didn't feel it at all in others, but man, I did feel it when he was working on my shoulder blade!!  But all in all, it was a fun experience and I'd love to get another one.

Some people have asked me why, and this tattoo has such a long, complicated meaning for me that it is too long to describe everything in a short, simple, and sweet way.  So I am going to tell you what everything means in my tattoo.

For starters, it's obviously a dreamcatcher.  I chose to have a dreamcatcher because, growing up, I always had a dreamcatcher.  My mother is very big into superstitions, and she still held some of the beliefs that her Native American grandmother held.  So of course, I growing up, had a dreamcatcher always beside my bed.

I chose the wolves in the dreamcatcher because I use to have this intense, scary reoccurring dream of a wolf with bright green eyes.  This dream scared the living daylights out of me.  The wolf was always calm towards me and never hurt me, but this wolf always hurt a family member or a friend of mine.  When I say hurt, I mean kill.  It haunted me.  I wanted the dream to go away.  But, someone once told me that wolves are a powerful spiritual guide.  He told me I needed to listen to the wolf and pay attention.  After that, no joke, I noticed this wolf was hurting people that ended up hurting me in real life.  It was like a premonition.  Either they hurt me physically, emotionally, or verbally.  When I realized this, I found the wolf to be much less haunting and scary.  I saw this wolf as a protector.  The wolf was protecting me against those that would hurt me.  Once I got older and started decorating my room with wolves, I stopped having the dreams.  I still have wolf decor in my home.  I do believe that the wolf is my guide - my guardian.

The reason why I chose to only have the green eyes in color is because I will never forget the grey/silver wolf in my dream and its bright green eyes staring directly at me.  It was mesmerizing.  I actually kind of miss it.  This is where it might get a little weird.  Ironically, green eyes are a recessive trait in my family.  Only 3 people in my family that I know have green eyes.  They are my sister, my great-aunt Juanita, and my grandmother Oleda.  Oleda passed away when I was 2 years old.  I never had the pleasure of meeting her.  I strongly do believe that Oleda is watching over me.  She was feisty and fierce.  She always protected children, no matter what.  I will never forget the stories that I heard about her.  Growing up, I knew my grandmother and her strong love for me and my sister, and how she protected children.  My great-aunts and my mother and my aunt told me stories about her and reminded me all the time of how much she loved me and she'd always watch out for me.  And because of that, I believe she is my guardian angel... my spiritual guide... my wolf with green eyes watching out for me.  She's always got my back (hence the placement on my shoulder blade).

Wolves are also a very beautiful creature.  Wolves have 1 mate their whole life.  They take care of their "family" or their pack.  They always stick together and they even mourn when a member of their pack is lost.  They are also very caring and loving parents.  As you notice, this wolf is not alone.  This wolf has a baby with her.

Typically, feathers on a dreamcatcher symbolize breath and air - which are of course essential to life.  I chose the owl feathers because, as some traditional dreamcatchers are designed, owl feathers are a feminine feather (eagle feather for masculinity).  Owl feathers also represent wisdom.  I chose to have 3 feathers.  One feather for each baby that I have lost.  Each feather symbolizes those little lives that I carried for such a short while.

This tattoo is symbolic of my grandmother watching over and protecting my little angels who are no longer with me.

Some say "why so depressing?" But I don't think it is.  I am never going to forget my angels.  I'm happy to know that my grandmother is taking care of them in Heaven.  It's a happy reminder that my babies aren't alone.  And it's commemorative of my grandmother and my babies who played such a huge part in helping me become the person that I am today.  I'm in love with it.  It makes me smile.

Wedding Memories

So I realized, I'm not a very good blogger.  I suck at it.  I'm sorry.  I'm just going to catch ya'll up on what's been happening in my life so far.  Majority of the time I was away was helping plan my brother-in-law's wedding.  He and his bride had a wonderful, gorgeous wedding downtown.  I was a bridesmaid and the wedding coordinator.  It was a lot of work, but it turned out lovely.  My husband was, of course, the best man.  He was such a huge help!!

Here's pictures of the bachelorette party:

Beginning of the night :)

We got this fun couple out on the dance floor with us!

The girls!

Now here's pictures of the rehearsal & rehearsal dinner.  The guys were entertaining themselves.  

The groom & groomsmen at the rehearsal.  I love how Nick is saluting in the background.

My hubby and I being all cute and shit.

The wedding party... it was massive. :)

I didn't get many pictures of the wedding ceremony - since after all I was coordinating it and in it.  But I was able to get a few fun shots of the day's events.

Getting ready to send the guys out!

A pigeon came and crashed the party immediately following that picture.  They had been waiting in that stairway for a good 20 minutes and the pigeon didn't make a sound and didn't move that whole time.  Until we took a picture, then it came flapping around like crazy.  My husband was able to get a hold of it and take it safely outside.  Silly pigeon.

The beautiful bridesmaids posing for photos.

The wedding party (missing Amber & Jessica)

My husband and I <3

It was a fun time.  We all had a blast.  So I am going to leave this awesome video that took place at the end of the night.  Everyone had pretty much left... it was last call... and those who stayed huddled together for one last song...  It was awesome.  Maybe you can hear us all singing... with all the slurring and stuff... :P

Keeping Up with the Joneses

April always hits me hard.  It was April 5th, 2011 that I lost my first baby at 11 weeks and 6 days.  So of course, I am incredibly sensitive to a lot of baby topics.  April Fools Day is like salt in the wounds.  I came across this very popular blog post from Scissortail Silk, and I wish I could give her a standing ovation.  Thank you!

Three years ago, on April Fools Day, I saw the ultrasound and heard my baby's heartbeat.  Everything looked fine.  I had been going into the doctor's office for weekly ultrasounds to monitor the baby.  I had finally received the clearance that I would only have to go every other week now that I had reached the second trimester.  Little did we know that 4 days later, I would lose my child.

I have been surrounded with baby announcements lately.  I love my friends and family, I do.  But with the memories of my 1st miscarriage, and with the 3rd miscarriage so fresh in my mind, I feel like I'm going through the grief again.  Coworkers have brought their newborns into work for everyone to dote on - and they are really precious.  I'm happy for them.  They bring in pictures of their babies in cute outfits, and we all "aww" in the office.  But deep down, my heart is falling into my stomach.  I run to the restroom to hide in a stall and let my sobs out so no one will know.  I'm in a wedding this June, and 2 of the bridesmaids are pregnant.  One is due a week before my due date.... with twins.  I have no idea how I will survive the bridal shower, the planning, and the wedding being with them all day with their beautiful baby glow.  And I have two friends that are pregnant as well who I see often.  I can't get on Facebook or Pinterest without seeing a new ultrasound or update - or pins for maternity outfits and nursery decor.  Meanwhile, I have a drawer full of baby shower decor, baby books where only 1 or 2 pages are filled out, scrapbook pages of my ultrasounds and baby bump pictures, and maternity clothes that I can't wear.

I know this sounds bitter, but it aches.  I'm happy for them, and sad for me.  I know Travis and I have decided to not try anymore for a while, and we have a wonderful honeymoon planned for Disney this September.  But I'm looking around, and I feel anger, sadness, jealousy, sickness, and confusion.  Why is it that everything works out for everyone else but us?  It feels like God is taunting me.  Why is it that everyone else can have a baby without even trying?  Why is it that one bridesmaid is getting TWO when I only want ONE?  Why does she deserve a baby and I don't?

It pains me to hear some of the comments I get.  "It's God's will."  "At least you can wear a bikini this summer."  "I'll let you borrow my kid for a day.  You'll change your mind forever on having kids!  He/She's being a brat all day!"  "At least you know you can get pregnant."  "At least you can drink whatever you want!"  These comments only dig at the wounds in my heart.  When someone passively blows off their children in front of me - knowing what I've been through - it's like salt in the wounds.

Maybe I get too far ahead of myself.  I have to keep reminding myself that I don't need to turn this into a competition or a contest.  I have to keep telling myself that this time has worked for them, just not for me yet.  My day will come.  I don't have to keep up with everyone else.  I can't lie and say that it isn't killing me, because it is.  I'm crying nightly, wishing I had my babies.  But that wasn't in the hand I was dealt, and I don't need to make this about me vs. everyone else.

I wish it were easy to move on....

Chromosomal Abnormalities

I followed up with my doctor in regards to our fetal tissue testing.  Turns out, there are chromosomal abnormalities.  My doctor gave me a lot of medical terminology that I just could not understand.  But the basic information is this:  my miscarriages are a result of chromosomal abnormalities.

The next step was for me to get some bloodwork done.  During a first trimester miscarriage, it is very well because the chromosomes of the fetus do not equal the required 46XX or 46XY chromosomes.  When there are frequent, first trimester miscarriages and the chromosomal abnormality is present, it could be because one of the parents' chromosomes is not offering the correct number or arrangement for a fetus to grow.  Small excerpt taken from MarchofDimes.com:

Chromosomal abnormalities usually result from an error that occurred when an egg or sperm cell was developing. It is not known why these errors occur. As far as we know, nothing that a parent does or doesn't do before or during pregnancy can cause a chromosomal abnormality in his or her child.

Sperm and egg cells are different from other cells in the body. These cells have only 23 unpaired chromosomes. When an egg and sperm cell join together they form a fertilized egg with 46 chromosomes.

But sometimes something goes wrong before fertilization. An egg or sperm cell may divide incorrectly, resulting in an egg or sperm cell with too many or too few chromosomes.

When this cell with the wrong number of chromosomes joins with a normal egg or sperm cell, the resulting embryo has a chromosomal abnormality. A common type of chromosomal abnormality is called a trisomy. This means that an individual has three copies, instead of two, of a specific chromosome.

Birth Defects: Chromosomal Abnormalities

 I still have not heard back from those results yet, but they may take up to 2 weeks.  If I am not the carrier here, then Travis will have to be tested.  However, it is highly likely that I'm the carrier.  Travis thinks he is "at fault," but I've been born with multiple birth defects.  It's more than likely me.

Travis and I are just taking it day by day.  We've definitely stopped trying to conceive until we know what's going on.  Until then, I'll keep posted on this journey.

What to Expect...

I'm super antsy today.  Tomorrow is the day we find out the results from my test.  I'm a nervous wreck.  Really, though, I shouldn't be.  I don't think I will get terrible news.  I'm just *afraid* that I'm going to get bad news.  I can conceive.  We know that.  I just don't know if I can carry a pregnancy.  That's the scary part that we're going to have to find out.

I wanted to write an informational blog regarding Mullerian Anomalies.  But let's be honest, I'm not a nurse, I'm not a doctor, and I definitely did not pass a science class with A's or B's.  So, maybe I can explain what we are facing in my terminology.  Please bear with me.

I have a bicornuate uterus, which is also known as a heart-shaped uterus.  This means that the shape of my uterus can contribute to complications during pregnancy and labor/delivery.  It can also contribute to cervix problems.  It seems that my cervix issues are opposite of what most women experience, where their cervix is weak.  Mine is pretty tough, so hopefully, I have that on my side.  This is just a comparison between a normal uterus and a bicornuate uterus.

About.com: Miscarriage Myths

PRWeb

I was always told to be prepared to go into labor at 6 months pregnant due to the shape of my uterus.  My doctor is running a few tests to see what is causing my miscarriages, because I've been hemorrhaging.  There are many women in my family that are infertile or have had multiple miscarriages.  My doctor strongly believes that there could be a genetic factor playing into my ability to conceive.

For years, I was treated for endometriosis.  After my D&C and speaking to my doctor, it is apparent that I never had endometriosis.

Another worrisome factor in pregnancy is that I have intestinal malrotation.  This is a birth defect where my intestines did not make the correct turns that they were supposed to, and therefore, formed backwards.  My intestines could potentially get in the way of a growing fetus; however that is very rare.  The biggest issue is if volvulus occurs during pregnancy.  In order to treat volvulus, a lot of times it involves a surgical procedure called a Ladd's Procedure.  This is not a good procedure to have during pregnancy, and *could* potentially abort the pregnancy.  However, there are women out there that were able to have the Ladd's Procedure during pregnancy and everything turned out ok.  There are women who have had intestinal malrotation and had full-term, non-complicated pregnancies.

What is so scary for me is wrapping my mind around all of it.  I'm not getting any younger - which also worries me.  I don't want to cause more problems than necessary.  I believe that the worst part about all of this is that even if I do find answers.... NOTHING is guaranteed.  I don't know if I'm ready to face that thought just yet.  My miscarriage is still so fresh in my mind.  I'm not ready to face this battle.  I'm not ready to go through the worry, the fear, and the uncertainty of what's to come during pregnancy or trying to conceive.  Not to mention, the financial stress of a miscarriage.  I can't go through the financial pressures to have multiple miscarriages.  This is why Travis and I have agreed that we are *not* ready to go back to trying for a baby again.  We are going to give ourselves until after the baby's due date (August 13) - because I know that day is going to be one of the most painful days waiting for me.

Just get through step one of this process.  Find answers.  All I have to do is listen to the answers tomorrow, and then we'll figure out step two.

The Truth Be Told

It has been a week now since my miscarriage.  I think I have some thoughts that I just need to get off of my chest.  I've done a pretty good job keeping it together, and trying to move on.  But in that time, I think I have neglected my feelings and put more stress and grief on myself.  It's so hard to go through a miscarriage and have all of these emotions.  Of course, there's the physical pain, but I think the emotions just make it ten times more excruciating.  It must be my way of guarding my heart from feeling broken, so I've suppressed what's been going on in my own mind.

Thanks to Pinterest, I came across this amazing blog series:  Miscellaneous from Missy: I Have to Be Honest.    It is a 6 part series with 2 additional posts from a guest.  It is quite a read, but definitely so worth it.  It really revolves around miscarriage and faith.  I won't lie, I've had my own personal battles with God during this past year.  I've loved Him and thanked Him for blessing me so.  I've relied on prayer.  But I haven't really attached myself to Him and I've pulled away from Him.  This is something I need to work on this year.  This blog series really opened up my eyes and made me reevaluate my relationship with God.  For all that He has given to me and done for me, I owe Him more respect and love than what I give.

In 2013, my emotions were just all over the place.  Travis and I had secretly tried to have a baby since February.  Every month, I counted the days.  I waited patiently.  I was eager to find to happy pink lines on a pregnancy test.  When each month passed, I was visited by the annoying Aunt Flow or I found another negative test.  I wanted to cry.  I felt like something was wrong with me.  What was I doing wrong?

Then August came around.  I was late, so impatiently, I took a test right away that came back negative.  I waited, with heart ache, for Aunt Flow to make her visit.  But she never showed.  I took another test.  Negative.  So I assumed it was just stress and tried moving on.  But still, she never showed.  I took about 4 tests, and three of them came back negative.  The last one:  positive.  I was so shocked.  I figured it couldn't be right.  Someone told me pregnancy tests don't show a false positive, so I spent the night in disbelief.  The next day, Aunt Flow arrived.

I didn't have any time to bond with that experience.  I hadn't told anyone except Travis.  We chose not to say anything because, well... we didn't bond with that pregnancy at all.  It was like a fluke.  So instead of reaping sorrow or pity from anyone else, we kept it a secret.  No sense in saying, "Hey, we got a positive but it's a no go now!"  About a week later, we went on a family vacation.  It was definitely a great opportunity for Travis and I to just recoup and be with each other.

So we kept trying.  I thought there was something seriously wrong with me.  I knew that after a year of trying to no avail, I could be declared infertile.  That idea scared me.  I wondered if Travis would love me the same (which is ridiculous, but I know how much he wants to have kids and he would never leave me).  I wondered what that would mean for my future - my goals, my plans.  I couldn't help but fear that every month, I was getting closer to that dreaded one year mark.  I started losing hope.

This past November - December, I was getting sick.  Is this morning sickness?? I was sick for a few weeks, and I definitely couldn't enjoy family dinners around the holidays.  Everything made me nauseous.  On December 9th,  I took a test.  I was by myself, and didn't tell Travis because I didn't want to get his hopes up in case it was another negative.  But to my surprise, the two pink lines showed up instantly!  Without a doubt, I was pregnant.  I was so excited, I completely spaced it when coming up with a cute way to tell Travis.  I just grabbed him and showed him.  We were so excited and happy.  I couldn't believe it.  But again, I guarded my heart.  I didn't want to tell anyone right away.  I was afraid it wouldn't last.

I went into my doctor's office for a check up and to verify everything.  I was definitely pregnant and my due date was set for August 13th.  So, ready as I was, Travis and I decided to tell our parents at Christmas.  I came up with cute Christmas presents, including a small baby toy, a bib, and a picture frame.  I even included a cute little poem.  First, we told my parents since their Christmas was first.  My mom and dad were very excited for us and congratulated us.  My sister was super happy for me, because she knew how badly I wanted this.

On Christmas Eve, we told Travis's dad.  His aunts were there too, so they witnessed his gift.  He was happy and said, "I was wondering when I was going to have grandkids!"  He was excited to have his first grandbaby.  All of Travis's aunts were congratulatory and said, "We're lucky!  We got to see the best gift this Christmas!"  

Christmas Day, Travis and I had spent the night with his mother, step dad, and all of his siblings.  We waited for his mom and step dad to open their gift last.  When we gave them their gifts, they were quiet for a second... then his mom gasped and started crying.  She asked, "Are you serious?!?!"  She was absolutely thrilled.  Mike, Travis's step dad, couldn't stop smiling.  He cracked a few jokes about how the bib was for him, and congratulated us and told us he couldn't wait to spoil the grandbaby.  

Everyone was happy.  Everyone knew how much we wanted this.  And I knew how our families have waited for this.  I was proud.  But I still kept my heart guarded.  Now the family knew.  If something bad came out of this, at least I wouldn't be alone.  But now I had everyone else's heart riding on this baby too.  I didn't want to break their hearts if things didn't go according to plan.  So, instead of bonding with the baby and pregnancy, I tried to keep myself detached so as not to be such a mess if I did miscarry.  I figured if I could be strong through a loss, if in case it did happen, then everyone else wouldn't be as heartbroken as they were the first time.

I found a great doctor that specializes in high risk pregnancies from a few friends.  When I was 9 weeks pregnant, Travis and I went in for my first appointment with him.  All of his first appointments start with an ultrasound prior to the visit.  Travis and I let our guard down.  We were so excited to see the baby and hear a heartbeat.  Eagerly, I jumped up on the table, informed the ultrasound tech of my birth defects (in my first pregnancy, my intestines kept getting in the way of seeing the baby.  I also have a heart shaped uterus.).  The ultrasound tech just smiled and said, "Ok, we'll just take a look and if we can't see anything, we'll do it vaginally."  Ugh.... ok.

Luckily, we found the baby within seconds.  She was measuring the baby and telling us everything on the screen.  Then she said, "it looks a little small."  My guard quickly went up.  I think I might have stopped breathing.  Then she said, "I can't see a heart beat."  She turned on the sound.....

...

...

Nothing.

I felt my heart drop.  I felt a tear fall from my eyes.  The tech went to get the doctor to view the images.  I just wiped my face, and Travis said, "It'll be ok.  Everything is alright."  Sharply, I responded, "Travis, there's no heart beat.  This isn't good."  He stayed quiet the rest of the time.

The doctor came into the room and looked at the screen.  He said the baby had stopped growing 6 days before.  He verified there was no heart beat.  The doctor went on talking about a hemorrhage and pointing to it on the screen.  I think I must have been in disbelief or shock.  I wasn't really sure if I was connecting the dots.  I knew he was a great doctor, so I might have had a little bit of hope left that some miracle could be done.  I asked him, "What does that mean?"  He responded, "it's not viable.  I'm sorry."  

I just gritted my teeth and tried holding back my tears, which didn't work.  I'm pretty sure the doctor said something more, but I wasn't listening.  I kept thinking, What the hell have I done to deserve this?  The tech said to meet the doctor in his office next door whenever we were ready.  She and the doctor left the room.  It was just Travis and I alone in this dark room... with the image of our baby on the screen.  I'll never forget looking at that screen one last time.  It's like time stopped.  Travis had come up to me, held my hand and hugged me.  He said something, but I was so entranced by that screen.  That little baby jellybean on the screen... It was alive. Now it's gone.

I took a deep breath, grabbed a tissue, wiped my face, and jumped down to grab my things.  Poor Travis, I don't think I looked at him or said anything to him.  I was so caught up in the moment, I neglected my husband.  I neglected his feelings too.  I knew he was hurt.  But it just didn't register for me.  We walked into the doctor's office next door.  His office was incredibly busy that day, so for him to take the time to sit down and wait for us... that says a lot about him and how genuine of a doctor he is.  That thought came into my mind as he started talking.  

The doctor discussed what he had seen in the ultrasound and gave me two options.  He said we could let it go naturally or we could do a D&C.  However, he said with my hemorrhaging, he highly recommended a D&C because going through the miscarriage naturally could cause for an emergency situation and put me in the ER.  I agreed to do the D&C.  He didn't want me to hemorrhage and drop the pregnancy before the D&C, so he scheduled our appointment for 5:30 AM the following day.  I was given orders to stay in bed and rest, and not to drink or eat anything after 11 PM.  He continued to talk to us about my previous miscarriages, and when I told him I have hemorrhaged before with my first pregnancy, he asked if he could run some tests to find out what is causing these miscarriages.  He did tell me that with my heart shaped uterus, I've probably had more early miscarriages that I didn't know about - which made me think of all the times I was late with a negative pregnancy test...  However, he did not feel that the shape of my uterus is causing my later miscarriages.  

I was pretty speechless.  I was afraid to talk.  I was afraid the moment I said anything, I'd start bawling.  Travis spoke up for me - which I'm very thankful for.  He told the doctor that many women in my family have multiple miscarriages or infertility.  The doctor said he has many patients that do, so not to worry.  "Let's just find some answers and go from there."

Travis and I had drove separately because he had to leave for work immediately after our appointment.  I sat in my car for a few minutes in silence.  I wanted to pray, but I didn't know what to pray for.  I wanted to cry now, but I held so much in, I just couldn't cry.  I called my work because I had told my boss I would be back in later that evening to finish up some things.  A very nice coworker, who was very excited to see ultrasound pictures, answered the phone.  She didn't pry... she could tell I didn't have good news when I told her I wouldn't be back in for a few days.  I told her we had lost the baby, and I didn't know when I would return to work.  She forwarded the message to my boss, who was very understanding.

That night, I made the dreadful phone calls to our parents.  "We lost the baby."  "I'm ok."  I told them everything the doctor said.  It was very well scripted.  I didn't want to cry.  I didn't want our family to worry.

Sometimes, I think guys show it in the weirdest of ways - but I think guys go through a mental mind fuck when they experience a miscarriage.  Their friends don't really understand.  Travis tried to be supportive as I went through my hormonal ups and downs.  He sat beside me throughout the procedure (when he could) and never left my side.  He saw how much pain I was in, and there was nothing he could do for me.  Travis tried to pick up the weight for two in this house - because I was so sick and in so much pain for a week after the D&C.  I did not recoup from the D&C well at all.  The pain was so intense, it would knock me to the ground.  I was on so much medication that when the pain meds wore off, I knew exactly when it did.  I tried to keep up with eating but the nausea and the constant pain made me not want to eat.  When I refused to eat before taking my next dosage, I regretted not eating.  Poor Travis, he had to watch it.  He didn't have time to grieve or heal his own heart.  He had to take care of me and everything else.  And all the while, many of his friends were not sympathetic.  They just didn't get it.

I look at him now and wonder how he kept himself together.  He got angry a few times - not at me - but at his friends who refused to see the big picture.  They were busy telling him he was whipped or a "puss" for not standing up to me.  They were busy telling him that he answers to my every beck and call... mind you... he just lost his baby, and he's watching his wife suffer with emotional breakdowns and physical pain.  What was he supposed to do?  And all the while, I was so focused on me and my pain, I wasn't there for him when he needed me.  My husband, who would do anything for me, didn't have anyone there for him and he didn't have a chance to grieve his loss.  I feel so guilty for this.  I've heard him say that it could be him... it could be his fault we can't have babies.  I know he's hurting and he's confused.  And now that I'm feeling better, I'm sorry that I wasn't there for him.  And I'm sorry no one took the time to be there for him in my absence.  

I don't know what I'm to take from this miscarriage.  I know I've questioned my faith all year.  But maybe just now isn't the time for Travis and I to have children.  We are not going to try again for a while.  I don't know when we'll be ready to try again.  All I know is that this year, we've promised to dedicate it to ourselves - to our marriage and our friendship.  I've promised to be more outgoing and spontaneous with his adventures.  I've promised to be a little bit more independent.  He's promised to be more of a home body.  He's promised to do more things with just the two of us - no other friends included.  Maybe that's just what we need....

Reflection

I have done quite a bit of self-reflection since my last post.  I realized I had dreams, I had plans, and I was bound and determined to reach them.  However, I did not.

I thought by now, I would have a great career.  I thought I would have the house with a white picket fence.  I thought I'd at least have one child by now and living happily ever after.  Unfortunately, those cards didn't play out, not yet at least.

I get so over my head with dreams and hopes.  It's like I'm forcing the next stage of life to happen.  I am forcing the happy ending to start now.  I feel like I have been patient long enough.  It's been years that we've been struggling.  People say I live in a generation of self-entitlement and instant gratification - and you know... they are probably right.  But sometimes I can't help but wonder... when is it my time to shine?  When will our happily ever after begin?

I've tried being optimistic and positive.  I've tried being proactive, organized, and detailed in everything.  I can't say that my discipline hasn't paid off because it has.  We are much better off than where we were last year.  We are much better off than where we were in January.

I don't like living with my father-in-law.  Living here has built up a lot of depression, anxiety, frustration, and just meanness.  Travis and I realized that our problems stem from not being self-sufficient enough to start our new beginning.  So I've been very proactive and disciplined towards finding that better job.  I'm searching for my new career.  And Travis has been very proactive towards finding a better paying job that will allow him to go to college.

On top of it all, I forgot to just live my life.  I'm not living my life for me anymore.  I'm living my life for that future house.  I'm living my life to pay off the next bill on time.  I'm living my life to count the pennies.  I'm not LIVING.

So in the big scheme of things, I have to start being happy and grateful for what I have.  I have to stop constantly searching for happiness when I have it right here beside me.  I have my adorable cuddly kitty cats.  I have a roof over my head.  I have enough money to live comfortably.  I have a supportive, loving family.  I have in-laws that I get along with very well.  I have co-workers that I really do enjoy to be around.  I have friends that will always be there.  I have my health.  And most importantly, I have an amazing husband who will always be there for me.  He will always support me and my goals.  He will always help me.  He loves me as much as I love him.  He never asks for anything in return.  He's always a happy-go-lucky kind of guy.  He has a beautiful soul.  And not to mention, he has been and will always be my DREAM guy.  I am very lucky and blessed to have him in my life.  No matter what happens, I will be happy.  I will be happy because he is truly genuine.  Together, we've been through harder times.  We've been through worse.  We will get through this stage together.

Big Bug Eyes & Who I Am

I have to share this story about my daddy. When I was a little girl, I had a huge crush on a boy that I hung out with at recess. I thought he liked me too. Being a little first grader, my heart had never been broken before. One day, that boy made fun of me because I had "big bug eyes". I cried. The next day, I didn't want to go to school. I was embarrassed about my big eyes and most of all, I was hurt. I purposely missed the bus. My dad ended up taking me to school that morning. I cried and begged not to go. My dad asked me what was wrong and I told him what the boy said. My dad said "I fell in love with your mom's big brown eyes. Your eyes are beautiful. Don't let some silly boy tell you otherwise. When you are older and that boy falls in love with your big beautiful eyes, you tell him I am sorry but your eyes are too small. Then you bat your big brown eyes at him and walk away." I never forgot that conversation. Love you daddy.

I have seen a few other bloggers doing this lately.  I think it is great.  I'm not the best at writing my emotions without offending someone.  So I try really hard to keep it all to myself.  It's not that I think offensive things... it's just that people don't always understand my point of view and I can't explain it correctly.  Well, here's my chance to voice a little bit of what's been on my mind lately.

My dad is very proud of me.  My mother tells me all the time that she doesn't worry about me because she knows I'll figure out a way.  My parents believe in me and support me.  They think I have a good head on my shoulders, and they know I can accomplish so much with my talents and my drive.  I wish I saw myself from their eyes.

I don't always like myself.  I know, not everyone does.  But I've battled with it a lot.  I feel like a cry baby that whines all the time.  I am my worst critic.  I will call myself awful names.  If I fall behind on anything, I will equate it to my self-worth.  I use to see a therapist.  She told me I was a clinical perfectionist.  If something isn't perfect, I will give up, I quit, I tear myself apart, and my atmosphere greatly affects my feelings and behavior.  And you know what - she's right.

I took Prozac to overcome a lot of emotional turmoil.  I'm not on it anymore - but I do wish I continued it.  I was a much more pleasant person.  I liked myself more.  I was more laid back.  Honestly, I like me better on Prozac.  Doesn't that sound bad?  Someone told me it was addictive, but I wonder "is it addictive because I prefer my life to be that way?"

I used to be such a happy child.  I was grossly optimistic about everything.  I loved everyone.  I made friends everywhere I went.  As I got older, that went away.  When I was active in church, I was in high school.  I always went to church with my family as a whole.  I loved it.  I felt closer to God.  Life was pleasant.  Things just seemed to fall into place.  I was happy again.  I tried to bring church back into my life, but every time I went by myself, it just wasn't the same.  So of course, I fell back into my funk.

Every day, I call myself some awful names.  "I'm lazy."  "I'm ugly."  "I'm mean."  "I don't deserve this."  "I'm ungrateful."  "I'm dumb."  "I'm not worth it."  "I'm hateful and bitter."  "I'd be a terrible mother."  "I'm selfish."

Travis hears me say this.  Today, I fell deep into a funk.  Every once in a while, I will just wake up, and everything will feel wrong.  I will refuse to go outside and be seen.  I won't want to talk to anyone.  I want to bottle myself up and lock me away.  I will sleep until the day passes.  That's what happened today.

I stayed up late trying to find paperwork.  I had a dentist appointment at 7:45 AM this morning.  Sure enough, I slept right through my alarm this morning.  I had a list of things I wanted to get done today - and going to the dentist was number 1.  You want to know how many things on my To-Do List that I actually accomplished today?  ZERO.

I missed the dentist appointment.  "OMG, Liz, you are so unreliable.  Why would anyone want to hire you for a good paying job?"  Boom.  I skipped going to a company that has my dream job available.  I already sent a resume to them, but I wanted to go in and introduce myself and present a portfolio of my work.  I stayed in bed instead.  I looked at my portfolio and pointed out everything that is wrong with it.  I tossed it aside.  It wasn't good enough to give out to someone looking to hire.  I was going to go to the zoo to volunteer today.  Did I do that?  Nope.  I got up out of bed, looked at the time.  I had about 3 hours until the office closed.  "You are so slow, you can't get ready in that time and get there in enough time to get anything done.  Way to go for ruining the day!"

I didn't go.  I looked at myself in the mirror and called myself mean names.  I looked around our room - which needs some serious attention right now since Travis and I have been working non-stop.  It's a mess.  I felt like a terrible wife.  Here I sit, sulking, and Travis is at work busting his butt to make a decent paycheck.  He can't do it all.  So automatically, I hate myself for not helping it out like I should.  I'm not a good wife.  I don't deserve him.

Travis called me to talk during one of his breaks.  I told him I'm having one of my bad days.  He talked to me, saying it was all ok.  The company has my resume.  I can turn my portfolio in next week and fix it up how I want it until then.  It was no big deal.  He said, "oh wow, you missed a dentist appointment!  Who cares?  It happens.  Just reschedule it.  Yeah sure we just lost $25.  But oh well, you didn't mean to!"  I told him how I couldn't get up to even go out to the zoo.  He said "It's VOLUNTEERING!  They said you can go in whenever you want.  You made your own deadlines and schedules.  It's not that big of a deal!  Just go in on another day."  (I found out later that no one was even in the office today anyways because of an event.)  I told him about how I felt like I can't accomplish anything.  Our room is a disaster and I'm just messing things up.  He told me to just do some laundry and relax.  I'm burnt out.  He then invited me to dinner when he went on break just so I could get out of the house.

I'm lucky to have Travis who understands me.  But I haven't told my parents any of this.  I dodge their questions when they bring anything up.  I don't want them to think less of me.  I know that they won't.  I just feel like I owe it to them to be a good daughter - a daughter to be proud of.  Right now, I'm not too proud of myself - so why should they be?  

I have these terrible funks.  I know I don't broadcast my downfalls.  I only try to post the happy stuff.  I only try to post the pleasant things in life because I don't want to recognize these bad moments I have.  I don't want to be a whiner.  I don't know how to overcome this.  The answers seem so easy and simple. Just get up and do what you have to do.  Don't think.  Just do it.  But some days, I can't and I don't know why.

**ETA:  I should clarify so that no one takes this out of context.  When Travis told me to do some laundry, it's because he knows doing laundry puts me in a better mood.  I don't know why, but I enjoy it.  It also needed to get done anyways.  And since our room is a disaster and it's mostly clothes, he knows that our room being a mess is affecting my behavior.  If I, myself, get up and make it better - it puts me in a happier mood.  He was not trying to domestic me or be chauvinistic in any way.**

Baby Fever Is Back

These past couple of days have been such a blast.  On Sunday, Travis and I went to his boss's Superbowl party.  I knew no one.  I was super nervous about meeting my husband's bosses wives.  I was hoping to make a good impression.  Needless to say, all of the wives I met were incredibly sweet and I talked with them non-stop.  I met two ladies who both had a baby less than a year old.  They were so adorable.  Both babies were really good, too.  Neither cried or threw a fit the entire night.  I got to play with the babies and talk to the moms about mommy things.  Neither of them looked at me or spoke to me like I was.... dumb.

Most mothers I know tell me that I don't have a clue what it is like to be a mom.  They will complain about motherhood, they will search for advice - but not from me.  They will solicit advice to me that I never asked for.  I do appreciate their good intentions, but sometimes, I can't help but feel like they think I'm stupid.

Previously, I talked about how I couldn't talk about pregnancy with my friends.  They knew I had gone through a miscarriage, and I felt like I couldn't join in the conversation.  It almost felt like I was outcasted because I don't have a baby.  I couldn't even talk about my pregnancy with them.  I just didn't feel like I belonged.  It was as if I was the big pink elephant in the room that you can't ignore, no matter how much you wanted to.

When I spent the evening talking with these mothers - I never once felt like an outcast.  They talked without inhibitions about their pregnancy.  They embraced the questions that I had and the experiences I have had.  They respected that Travis and I were waiting - even though I have baby on the brain like crazy.  I was never judged or felt like I was being judged.  They were completely accepting, and I didn't feel the way I did with my friends.  I had a great evening!  I think I will be talking with these ladies much more often.

Today, I spent the day with my mother-in-law Becky helping put together the Welcome Home party we were planning for my sister-in-law Amber.  Amber has been in Germany.  You can check out my 365 Day Picture Challenge blog for the post about her party.

As we were out shopping, I kept flocking to the baby stuff.  I couldn't help myself.  I catch myself looking for baby items all the time.  Becky laughed and asked me if there was something she needed to know.  Of course not - we are not expecting.  I'm just longing for a baby super bad.  Becky joked with Travis saying that we'll be having a baby soon.

At the party, the whole family was together.  I love those days.  I love my in-laws.  We use to spend every Sunday at Becky's house with all of Travis's brothers and sisters and our nephew.  I told them how much I had missed it since we've been working a lot and we haven't had the opportunity to visit in over a month.  Travis said, "You know you can go over to my mom's place any time you want!"  And he's right.  I can.  And I would love that.  I think I should do that more.

When we were all together, of course our nephew had everyone's attention.  He's a doll, and he loves to entertain.  Becky made a little comment saying, "Travis and Liz will be next!"  Everyone looked at me, expecting for a follow up of me saying I'm pregnant.  Travis remarked on all the looks, saying, "Thanks mom, now everyone is going to talk."  Haha - it was all in good fun.  Becky responded that I've been all over the baby stuff lately - it's just going to happen sooner than we plan.  ::shrug::  Maybe she's right.  But maybe I can put off my longing for a little while longer until I know for sure that Travis and I will be ok to take on a beautiful little baby (that looks just like Travis :P ).

I know it seems crazy, but I already have ideas for a nursery.  We already have baby names picked out. I just can't seem to help myself.  It's a Baby Fever I've caught!  It's only going to get worse, I know.  So, why not share my Baby Fever with my blog friends.  I like you guys.

Baby Names:
I've always had an obsession with 2 middle names.  I don't know why I love it so much.  But Travis is cool with it, so our kids will have 2 middle names.  We agreed that the first name has to be a name that we both agree on.  If it is a boy, the first middle name will be Travis's choice.  If it is a girl, the first middle name will be my choice.  The second middle name will be the other's choice.  And I love names that have tradition and meaning.

For a boy, we've chosen the name Nathaniel Robert Dean W.....  Nathaniel is Hebrew meaning "Gift of God."  We like it because our child could go by Nathaniel, Nathan, Nate, or even Neil.  Plus, the name is a solid, strong name for when he is an adult.  Travis chose Robert because that is his middle name.  Robert is also Travis's father's middle name.  And Robert is Travis's grandfather's name.  It's a good family name to pass down.  Robert means "bright fame."  I chose Dean for the second middle name because it is my father's middle name.  It isn't a name you hear often.  Not only do I think of my dad, but I also think of a legendary icon - James Dean.  When Travis and I met, we realized we had the exact same poster of James Dean.  Dean Martin is also a legendary member of the "Rat Pack" - which Travis and I find so fascinating.  Dean means "Valley" - which isn't really much of a meaning.

For a girl, we've chosen the name Shelby Ann Barbara W.....  I've always been in love with the name Shelby, and Travis thought it was a good fit with our last name.  I chose the middle name Ann because it is my middle name.  Back in the day, my grandmother and her sister decided to start a tradition.  My grandmother named her first daughter Charlotte Ann (my mother).  My great-aunt named her first daughter Sherry Ann.  My mom had me - Elizabeth Ann.  Sherry had Kelsey Ann.  To keep with the tradition, I will be using the middle name Ann.  Shelby is also a perfect fit because it sounds similar to Charlotte and Sherry.  Travis chose the middle name Barbara after his grandmother who passed away with Lou Gerigg's.  She was such a loving, beautiful, strong willed woman.  She had a good hand in raising Travis to be the man he is today.  Shelby means "sheltered town."  Ann means "Graceful."  Barbara means "Stranger."  If you jumble the meanings around, Shelby Ann Barbara could say:  A graceful stranger in a sheltered town.  I love it.

I find gray walls in nurseries to be so appealing.  I love how they make a room look large and comfy, and all bright colors in the room just pop.  I want my child's room to be bright - but not nauseatingly bright.  I think gray walls, white trim, and white furniture would look perfect for a nursery.  I know if we have a girl, Travis is just going to have to deal with pink.  I have so many stuffed animals and ballerina decor from when I was a little girl.  My daughter will have a ballerina themed nursery.

Less white and add ballerinas - it would be perfect.
babble

For a boy, I just want bright colors.  I love how bright blue and orange look against gray.  When I found this picture, it became my inspiration.  Travis is such a nature, out-doorsy person.  It would only be suiting to our son to have that sort of theme for his room, too.

And it has little blue birds too!  It matches my blog!
Birdhouse

A girl can dream....

365 Day Photo/Video Challenge 2013

I've always wanted to do this - but never stuck to it.  So, here it is - for 2013 - Travis and I will be sharing a picture or video a day every day for the next year, just for fun.  Click on the tab above and it will take you to our 365 Day Photo/Video Challenge blog.  I am still editing it and formatting the blog, so please be patient with me while it is under construction.

Here is my first post on it:

I know the 365 Day Picture Challenge is supposed to be where the author takes a picture every day from something that day for a year.  It is supposed to be for those who want to work on photography skills or who want to be more disciplined in documenting their life.  Honestly, I'm just doing this for my own personal entertainment.

I will be documenting something from each day as a photo journal simply just for fun.  Why did I not start on January 1st?  Because I didn't think about it.

I started taking at least one picture a day on Instagram.  Sometimes, I'll record a video and save it on my computer.  They don't really get stored anywhere.  Often times, they aren't used for anything else.  Why not share my pictures and videos on our blog?  Our blog is about our life together, right?  What the heck, let's see what happens!

I've actually had quite a few friends tell Travis and I that we need to start documenting our lives.  Some people said we should have a YouTube account to share our daily life.  Let me tell you this...  I think I can be pretty boring.  But life with our family and friends is anything but boring!

Who knows, maybe you will find my life is just the average Joe's boring typical life.  Maybe you will find the events that happen to us funny!  Maybe you will get some entertainment out of it, or maybe it will help pass the time.  Which ever is the case, thanks for stopping by!

Feel free to follow us!

I Want to Be A Mommy Too

I have been cleaning the house, doing laundry, and just hanging out on my day off.  I talked to my sister today, and I decided to clean up my computer.  I'm getting rid of old blogs, old websites, old emails (if I can ever figure out the passwords), and deleting old files.  My computer is full of ancestry photos and documents, portfolio stuff for work & from school, and random pictures.  I use my personal computer a LOT for work and volunteering, so I am "Cleaning House" so my computer doesn't get overloaded.  I found an old blog that I never really shared with anyone.  And I found this old post.  I wrote this a few months after my miscarriage.  I just felt like sharing it here.  It was intense emotions that I was feeling at the time. 

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One of the greatest blessings in the world is to have your baby healthy and safe in your arms.  To hear his little footsteps as your toddler runs across the floor.  To hear their giggles turn into a voice.  To smell her and feel her breathing as you rock her to sleep.  Even preparing to have a little one is exciting.  Getting to see the clothes they will soon wear and hear your baby's heartbeat for the first time.  To plan how you will raise your child, even though once the baby arrives, you realize your plans just aren't feasible.  It's dreamy.

For a long time, I felt bitter.  Maybe I still am, and I'll willingly admit it.  When I was 17 years old, a doctor told me that I might not be able to have children.  Being 17, that's a lot to take in.  I'm only a kid with a life to live.  I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not I can have kids right now.  As I got older, I was ok with putting those thoughts on the back-burner.  I lived my life.  I had fun during my wild streak.  I learned a lot of valuable lessons about becoming an adult.  And when I thought I met the man I was going to marry, I saw a different doctor who said the same thing.  "There is a 50/50 chance you will be able to conceive."  I thought I had a solid relationship at the time.  We weren't married or even engaged, but we were in a strong 5-year relationship where all signs were pointing to marriage some day.  So, I broke the news to him.... heartbroken.  I will never forget the day.  After I told him, he watched TV for a minute or two before our friends called asking us to come over and watch a movie.  In the car on the way to our friend's place, he was quiet.  I asked him what he was thinking.  He replied, "I'd like to have a son some day."  I replied very melancholy, "I would like to be a mommy some day."  And that's when I got a slap of reality.

"If you can't have kids, I'd have to think about whether or not I want to be with you."

That relationship went downhill after that conversation.  I moved on with my life and found an amazing guy.  Because of what I had been through in my previous relationship, I decided that when we got serious, I would break the news to him early.  My friends thought I was crazy telling my boyfriend so early when it'll just scare him with the idea of having children.  I didn't care.  I was adamant about not falling head over heels to get hurt the way I was hurt before.  If it is going to end, the earlier the better.  When I told Travis, his reply was, "Oh well.  There's always adoption.  Plenty of children out there need moms."  I was relieved.

After we were married, we found out on our 1 year anniversary that I was expecting.  I was nervous, like any other new mother would be.  I felt confused.  When I was expecting, I had a lot of health issues going on - and all fingers were crossed that this baby would live.  Travis was a nervous wreck - like any other new father would be.  But, he was mostly worried about my health.  We prepared for our little one.  I finally felt ready to be a mom.  Those words both the previous doctors had told me became very real when I lost my baby.  The doctor I had been seeing at this point told me that while I can conceive a child, carrying is going to be a risk.  It is very likely that I will have more miscarriages, and very likely that I will be forced into pre-term labor as early as 6 months.  Having a baby is not going to be an easy feat for me like many other women.  And this is why it is so sensitive for me.

Ellie knows how I feel.

Multiple times, over and over again, I have been told, "It just wasn't meant to be,"  "It's for the best,"  "Maybe you aren't meant to be a mother,"  and the most painful:  "You don't know what being a mother is like."  All of these comments, I cannot understand how they can make me feel better.

It wasn't meant to be?  Like a 14 year old having a baby is meant to be?

"It's for the best."  My baby died, and that was for the best?

"Maybe you aren't meant to be a mother."  Like some drug addict with multiple children is?

For the last comment, my answer is always: "You don't know what it's like to lose a child you wanted." 

People get frustrated with me frequently because this is sensitive to me.  I can't help it.  I would love to be a mom.  Right now, it would be difficult due to our current circumstances, and I am fine with that decision.  But you know, Travis and I are preparing ourselves so that we can try to have children soon. We are in the works of establishing ourselves so that we can provide not just for a child - but for losing another child.  We are preparing for the high risk pregnancy.  We are preparing for the costs that we will endure to have a baby.  We are financially, physically, and emotionally preparing ourselves for whatever is to be thrown our way.  And I don't feel like I should have to apologize for feeling so sensitive about this topic.

How many mothers out there have ever planned how they wanted to raise their children?  How many thought they knew it all before the baby arrived?  A MILLION, probably.  Many soon-to-be parents have made comments like, "I would never have my child eat that" only to find out that if your child is a picky eater, and as long as they eat something, it's better than nothing!  Or, say, "I would never give my child a pacifier that fell on the floor" - and after the child is here, the baby drops their pacifier or hides it in random places and POP it goes right in their mouth.  Or, "I'm going to breast feed and use cloth diapers" only to find that they just can't keep up with it due to their lifestyle or because the baby won't take on to breastfeeding.  It's ok to make plans.  It's ok to have your own ideas of parenting.  It's ok to have your opinions - because more often than not, life lessons will show you if that is even going to work for your child or not.  So, of course, I have my own opinions on parenting.  It doesn't mean I'm right or wrong - it just means that that's my plan as of right now.

I remember talking to my mother about this.  Her reply was, "You don't really know what it is like to be a mom, though."  And I told her my repetitious remark, "well you don't know what it is like to lose a child you wanted."  She went on to say that I can't take those things so personally.  But my question is, why is that if I bring up my opinions on how I want to raise my kids, people disregard me because I "don't have a clue," or they take my opinions offensively because I am "telling parents how to raise their children."  If I have to be so cautious with the words I say to certain people, then why can't others have the same cautious effort with the choice of words they say to me?  If I have to be either considerate of other people's feelings or let them voice their feelings - why can't I have the same?  My mother's answer was spot on:

"Because it's depressing."

Yeah.... it is a sad story.  

And I can't talk about it.

A dear friend of mine and Travis's knows a doctor that works with high risk/complicated pregnancies.  He has worked with intestinal malrotation and my other birth defects - but I have no idea if he has handled them all in one case.  Either way, our friend is going to talk to him and see if we can get an appointment to speak with him.  Travis and I are serious about having kids.  When we have children is still a mystery, but we're going to try to make this work.  I want at least one doctor who is going to look at this in a positive light.  I'm praying that there is a doctor who will say, "You WILL have a baby."  So far, 3 out of 3 doctors haven't given me much positive news.  After all, I'm going on 26.... my clock is ticking and I want to hear something good.

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I remember feeling heartbroken when I wrote it.  Losing Anjelica was a bad dream that came to life.  It was as if all the doctors who told me I couldn't have kids were right.  This was the proof.  And worst of all, I felt less of a woman.  I felt less... human, I guess.  I know during this time I was incredibly confused.  I know I was not in my right mind when I was sick and when we lost our baby.  Everything hit me all at once.  I was mean.  I was bitter.  And I probably hurt a lot of people I shouldn't have, because let's be honest - misery loves company.  I was miserable.  I had racing emotions I couldn't control.  All of the bad memories wouldn't leave me alone.  While I know I can't give excuses for poor behavior, it's the truth.  I am incredibly sorry for anyone I have offended or been rude towards.  That is not me.  That is not my nature.  But I know I did it, and I am holding myself 100% accountable for all the wrong I have done to hurt people's feelings.  It is inexcusable for me to be so bitter and cold, especially towards those who don't deserve it.

Travis and I are not planning on having children yet.  Obviously, we have our goals that we are working to accomplish.  Travis enjoys talking to me about kids.  We talk about how we want to raise them.  He's going to have to be the bad guy, because I have a feeling it's going to be so hard for me to punish my wittle babies, even if they do wrong.  If my child cries, I'll probably turn into a mushy lump and say "I'm so sorry!"  Maybe not... but maybe so.  But we joke frequently, and we talk about what kind of parents we want to be.  Neither of us are ready yet.  For now, when we go out, Travis will let me scope out the baby aisles.  I get to look at adorable baby clothes, and tell Travis how I'm going to dress our children.  I check out baby furniture and live in my dreamy little world.  The best part is:

Travis joins in, too.

Someday... just not today.  And we are completely ok with that.

He Got a Promotion!

Travis has been working so hard at his job.  He pulls long hours, and he's been working his way up through the ranks in a short amount of time.  Travis works at a local discount factory warehouse - and he started as a temp working in the back putting furniture together.  They hired him full time because he was a hard worker.  After his bosses got to know him, they decided he'd be a better fit on the sales floor during their auctions.  Travis nailed it.  Not only was Travis making great commissions, he still would help out in the back with inventory and set up.  Because of Travis's pure dedication and determination, he has been promoted to Manager in Training!

I'm so proud of him!

Friends & Break Ups

Breaking up is hard to do.  It's especially bittersweet when you are friends with the couple.  These past couple of days, Travis and I have witnessed 2 couples that we are close to break up.  I get sad every time it happens to our friends.  I feel like I should have been there more or done something to prevent it from happening.  But it is their life, they can make their own adult decisions - and besides, it's really none of my business.  After all, I have no idea what happens between them behind closed doors.

Someone gave me this great advice.  It's ok to vent to family and friends when you need to about your significant other.  It can be a positive thing.  My mother always puts me in my place when I am wrong. I love her for that.  Just remember, whoever you expose these negative things to - make sure they hear about all the good stuff, too.  Otherwise, they may be offering the WRONG advice because they only know what you tell them.

If your friend came up to you and told you about all these awful arguments she is having with her husband, over time you will tell her to leave him.  If it never changes and it hurts her, it could potentially be an abusive relationship or more harming than it would be to be single.  As a friend, you protect her.  But what if that friend exposed to you that they handled their disagreements by talking - or they went out on a date and it made her feel special - wouldn't you be more inclined to give her husband the benefit of the doubt?  There are always two sides to a story.

I watched both couples break up.  One couple handled it in the most mature manner that I have ever seen.  The other, it's just like a dramatic, high school break up.  The mature couple has made this situation much more comfortable - not just for us as friends coming to visit them - but for themselves as well!  We all helped my friend move out of the house - and everyone talked and carried on like we did before the break up.  I almost cried since she is such a good friend and she's moving out of town - but I know I'll see her again.  And both individuals are completely cool with Travis and I hanging out with the other.  There is no animosity or attacking on either person's part.  I have much more respect for the two of them for how they handled the situation.  It shows just how strong and intelligent they each are - and they are able to see the positive from this break up.

Oh Please....  ::eye roll::

The other couple are fighting over items in the apartment.  Mom got involved in the parking lot in front of the apartment.  A friend that doesn't even know one of the individuals got involved.  The two are texting each other mean comments simply just to hurt each other's feelings and belittle the other person.  One is on Facebook posting snarky things or stupid memes saying what defines a real relationship.  Each are playing the blame game.  It's not pretty.  They are even fighting over who gets to have the dog or who gets to have the dishes in the cabinet.  They are equally discrediting each other's feelings.  And in all honesty, one of those individuals we will possibly never speak to again simply because this person is being incredibly immature about us remaining friends with the other.  When do adults tell their friends who they can and cannot be friends with someone outside of their own circle?

It has made me view my own relationship with Travis in a different light.  I'm much more thankful that I have him.  If I vent to anyone about Travis for... I don't know... not doing a load of laundry, then I hope that person can stand up and say, "why can't you do it?" or "Was he busy doing something else?" I want that person I confide in to honestly give me a different perspective when I need it.  I trust their input - otherwise I would have never said anything.  I wouldn't want someone bashing on Travis just because I got frustrated.  I want that person to be honest and level my head so I don't blow up over something that doesn't really matter.

I hope that Travis has a friend to confide in whenever I upset him.  Instead of blowing up into a huge raging fight, I would want Travis to vent to someone who could give him a new perspective.  This friend could help him word things so that he can openly talk to me without saying the wrong thing.

Photo by Zoe

As the old saying goes, "it takes a village to raise a child" - sometimes, it takes friends/family to keep a relationship strong.  When a couple gets married, the audience is witnessing two individuals living a lifetime together through all the good and bad, the easy times and the hard times, through sickness and in health.  In many wedding traditions, it is common to hear a line directed at the congregation that is similar to this:  You are the witnesses to these vows now being made.  Will you do all in your power to support and uphold this marriage?  The congregation usually responds with "We Will."  Some ceremonies expand farther with this:

Celebrant:     You all have come here today not just to witness [Bride] & [Groom]'s love and devotion to each other, but to show your own love and support for them.  Our couple has asked that you join them in this wonderful moment in their lives, by taking your own vows.  If you agree, please answer with WE WILL!

Will you support [Bride] & [Groom] in their marriage?  

Guests:     We will.  

Celebrant:    If needed, will you listen and offer counsel in times of hardship?  

Guests:    We will.  

Celebrant:    Will you celebrate with them, encourage them, and remind them of this day?  

Guests:    We will.

There's a reason for this.  There is no shame in sharing with your friends and family the things that are troubling you in your relationship.  By all means, it's not ok to jump on Twitter or Facebook and expose your dirty laundry.  But it is ok to confide in someone, and as a member of that congregation, that someone has promised to offer you counsel and encouragement in your relationship.

I went on a little tangent, I know.  But these break ups have made me question how I represent Travis to others.  It's made me view our relationship differently.  And if things were to turn sour, I pray and hope that we could handle it like the mature couple simply out of respect of our relationship and out of respect for ourselves.