Keeping Up with the Joneses

April always hits me hard.  It was April 5th, 2011 that I lost my first baby at 11 weeks and 6 days.  So of course, I am incredibly sensitive to a lot of baby topics.  April Fools Day is like salt in the wounds.  I came across this very popular blog post from Scissortail Silk, and I wish I could give her a standing ovation.  Thank you!

Three years ago, on April Fools Day, I saw the ultrasound and heard my baby's heartbeat.  Everything looked fine.  I had been going into the doctor's office for weekly ultrasounds to monitor the baby.  I had finally received the clearance that I would only have to go every other week now that I had reached the second trimester.  Little did we know that 4 days later, I would lose my child.

I have been surrounded with baby announcements lately.  I love my friends and family, I do.  But with the memories of my 1st miscarriage, and with the 3rd miscarriage so fresh in my mind, I feel like I'm going through the grief again.  Coworkers have brought their newborns into work for everyone to dote on - and they are really precious.  I'm happy for them.  They bring in pictures of their babies in cute outfits, and we all "aww" in the office.  But deep down, my heart is falling into my stomach.  I run to the restroom to hide in a stall and let my sobs out so no one will know.  I'm in a wedding this June, and 2 of the bridesmaids are pregnant.  One is due a week before my due date.... with twins.  I have no idea how I will survive the bridal shower, the planning, and the wedding being with them all day with their beautiful baby glow.  And I have two friends that are pregnant as well who I see often.  I can't get on Facebook or Pinterest without seeing a new ultrasound or update - or pins for maternity outfits and nursery decor.  Meanwhile, I have a drawer full of baby shower decor, baby books where only 1 or 2 pages are filled out, scrapbook pages of my ultrasounds and baby bump pictures, and maternity clothes that I can't wear.

I know this sounds bitter, but it aches.  I'm happy for them, and sad for me.  I know Travis and I have decided to not try anymore for a while, and we have a wonderful honeymoon planned for Disney this September.  But I'm looking around, and I feel anger, sadness, jealousy, sickness, and confusion.  Why is it that everything works out for everyone else but us?  It feels like God is taunting me.  Why is it that everyone else can have a baby without even trying?  Why is it that one bridesmaid is getting TWO when I only want ONE?  Why does she deserve a baby and I don't?

It pains me to hear some of the comments I get.  "It's God's will."  "At least you can wear a bikini this summer."  "I'll let you borrow my kid for a day.  You'll change your mind forever on having kids!  He/She's being a brat all day!"  "At least you know you can get pregnant."  "At least you can drink whatever you want!"  These comments only dig at the wounds in my heart.  When someone passively blows off their children in front of me - knowing what I've been through - it's like salt in the wounds.

Maybe I get too far ahead of myself.  I have to keep reminding myself that I don't need to turn this into a competition or a contest.  I have to keep telling myself that this time has worked for them, just not for me yet.  My day will come.  I don't have to keep up with everyone else.  I can't lie and say that it isn't killing me, because it is.  I'm crying nightly, wishing I had my babies.  But that wasn't in the hand I was dealt, and I don't need to make this about me vs. everyone else.

I wish it were easy to move on....

What to Expect...

I'm super antsy today.  Tomorrow is the day we find out the results from my test.  I'm a nervous wreck.  Really, though, I shouldn't be.  I don't think I will get terrible news.  I'm just *afraid* that I'm going to get bad news.  I can conceive.  We know that.  I just don't know if I can carry a pregnancy.  That's the scary part that we're going to have to find out.

I wanted to write an informational blog regarding Mullerian Anomalies.  But let's be honest, I'm not a nurse, I'm not a doctor, and I definitely did not pass a science class with A's or B's.  So, maybe I can explain what we are facing in my terminology.  Please bear with me.

I have a bicornuate uterus, which is also known as a heart-shaped uterus.  This means that the shape of my uterus can contribute to complications during pregnancy and labor/delivery.  It can also contribute to cervix problems.  It seems that my cervix issues are opposite of what most women experience, where their cervix is weak.  Mine is pretty tough, so hopefully, I have that on my side.  This is just a comparison between a normal uterus and a bicornuate uterus.

About.com: Miscarriage Myths

PRWeb

I was always told to be prepared to go into labor at 6 months pregnant due to the shape of my uterus.  My doctor is running a few tests to see what is causing my miscarriages, because I've been hemorrhaging.  There are many women in my family that are infertile or have had multiple miscarriages.  My doctor strongly believes that there could be a genetic factor playing into my ability to conceive.

For years, I was treated for endometriosis.  After my D&C and speaking to my doctor, it is apparent that I never had endometriosis.

Another worrisome factor in pregnancy is that I have intestinal malrotation.  This is a birth defect where my intestines did not make the correct turns that they were supposed to, and therefore, formed backwards.  My intestines could potentially get in the way of a growing fetus; however that is very rare.  The biggest issue is if volvulus occurs during pregnancy.  In order to treat volvulus, a lot of times it involves a surgical procedure called a Ladd's Procedure.  This is not a good procedure to have during pregnancy, and *could* potentially abort the pregnancy.  However, there are women out there that were able to have the Ladd's Procedure during pregnancy and everything turned out ok.  There are women who have had intestinal malrotation and had full-term, non-complicated pregnancies.

What is so scary for me is wrapping my mind around all of it.  I'm not getting any younger - which also worries me.  I don't want to cause more problems than necessary.  I believe that the worst part about all of this is that even if I do find answers.... NOTHING is guaranteed.  I don't know if I'm ready to face that thought just yet.  My miscarriage is still so fresh in my mind.  I'm not ready to face this battle.  I'm not ready to go through the worry, the fear, and the uncertainty of what's to come during pregnancy or trying to conceive.  Not to mention, the financial stress of a miscarriage.  I can't go through the financial pressures to have multiple miscarriages.  This is why Travis and I have agreed that we are *not* ready to go back to trying for a baby again.  We are going to give ourselves until after the baby's due date (August 13) - because I know that day is going to be one of the most painful days waiting for me.

Just get through step one of this process.  Find answers.  All I have to do is listen to the answers tomorrow, and then we'll figure out step two.

The Truth Be Told

It has been a week now since my miscarriage.  I think I have some thoughts that I just need to get off of my chest.  I've done a pretty good job keeping it together, and trying to move on.  But in that time, I think I have neglected my feelings and put more stress and grief on myself.  It's so hard to go through a miscarriage and have all of these emotions.  Of course, there's the physical pain, but I think the emotions just make it ten times more excruciating.  It must be my way of guarding my heart from feeling broken, so I've suppressed what's been going on in my own mind.

Thanks to Pinterest, I came across this amazing blog series:  Miscellaneous from Missy: I Have to Be Honest.    It is a 6 part series with 2 additional posts from a guest.  It is quite a read, but definitely so worth it.  It really revolves around miscarriage and faith.  I won't lie, I've had my own personal battles with God during this past year.  I've loved Him and thanked Him for blessing me so.  I've relied on prayer.  But I haven't really attached myself to Him and I've pulled away from Him.  This is something I need to work on this year.  This blog series really opened up my eyes and made me reevaluate my relationship with God.  For all that He has given to me and done for me, I owe Him more respect and love than what I give.

In 2013, my emotions were just all over the place.  Travis and I had secretly tried to have a baby since February.  Every month, I counted the days.  I waited patiently.  I was eager to find to happy pink lines on a pregnancy test.  When each month passed, I was visited by the annoying Aunt Flow or I found another negative test.  I wanted to cry.  I felt like something was wrong with me.  What was I doing wrong?

Then August came around.  I was late, so impatiently, I took a test right away that came back negative.  I waited, with heart ache, for Aunt Flow to make her visit.  But she never showed.  I took another test.  Negative.  So I assumed it was just stress and tried moving on.  But still, she never showed.  I took about 4 tests, and three of them came back negative.  The last one:  positive.  I was so shocked.  I figured it couldn't be right.  Someone told me pregnancy tests don't show a false positive, so I spent the night in disbelief.  The next day, Aunt Flow arrived.

I didn't have any time to bond with that experience.  I hadn't told anyone except Travis.  We chose not to say anything because, well... we didn't bond with that pregnancy at all.  It was like a fluke.  So instead of reaping sorrow or pity from anyone else, we kept it a secret.  No sense in saying, "Hey, we got a positive but it's a no go now!"  About a week later, we went on a family vacation.  It was definitely a great opportunity for Travis and I to just recoup and be with each other.

So we kept trying.  I thought there was something seriously wrong with me.  I knew that after a year of trying to no avail, I could be declared infertile.  That idea scared me.  I wondered if Travis would love me the same (which is ridiculous, but I know how much he wants to have kids and he would never leave me).  I wondered what that would mean for my future - my goals, my plans.  I couldn't help but fear that every month, I was getting closer to that dreaded one year mark.  I started losing hope.

This past November - December, I was getting sick.  Is this morning sickness?? I was sick for a few weeks, and I definitely couldn't enjoy family dinners around the holidays.  Everything made me nauseous.  On December 9th,  I took a test.  I was by myself, and didn't tell Travis because I didn't want to get his hopes up in case it was another negative.  But to my surprise, the two pink lines showed up instantly!  Without a doubt, I was pregnant.  I was so excited, I completely spaced it when coming up with a cute way to tell Travis.  I just grabbed him and showed him.  We were so excited and happy.  I couldn't believe it.  But again, I guarded my heart.  I didn't want to tell anyone right away.  I was afraid it wouldn't last.

I went into my doctor's office for a check up and to verify everything.  I was definitely pregnant and my due date was set for August 13th.  So, ready as I was, Travis and I decided to tell our parents at Christmas.  I came up with cute Christmas presents, including a small baby toy, a bib, and a picture frame.  I even included a cute little poem.  First, we told my parents since their Christmas was first.  My mom and dad were very excited for us and congratulated us.  My sister was super happy for me, because she knew how badly I wanted this.

On Christmas Eve, we told Travis's dad.  His aunts were there too, so they witnessed his gift.  He was happy and said, "I was wondering when I was going to have grandkids!"  He was excited to have his first grandbaby.  All of Travis's aunts were congratulatory and said, "We're lucky!  We got to see the best gift this Christmas!"  

Christmas Day, Travis and I had spent the night with his mother, step dad, and all of his siblings.  We waited for his mom and step dad to open their gift last.  When we gave them their gifts, they were quiet for a second... then his mom gasped and started crying.  She asked, "Are you serious?!?!"  She was absolutely thrilled.  Mike, Travis's step dad, couldn't stop smiling.  He cracked a few jokes about how the bib was for him, and congratulated us and told us he couldn't wait to spoil the grandbaby.  

Everyone was happy.  Everyone knew how much we wanted this.  And I knew how our families have waited for this.  I was proud.  But I still kept my heart guarded.  Now the family knew.  If something bad came out of this, at least I wouldn't be alone.  But now I had everyone else's heart riding on this baby too.  I didn't want to break their hearts if things didn't go according to plan.  So, instead of bonding with the baby and pregnancy, I tried to keep myself detached so as not to be such a mess if I did miscarry.  I figured if I could be strong through a loss, if in case it did happen, then everyone else wouldn't be as heartbroken as they were the first time.

I found a great doctor that specializes in high risk pregnancies from a few friends.  When I was 9 weeks pregnant, Travis and I went in for my first appointment with him.  All of his first appointments start with an ultrasound prior to the visit.  Travis and I let our guard down.  We were so excited to see the baby and hear a heartbeat.  Eagerly, I jumped up on the table, informed the ultrasound tech of my birth defects (in my first pregnancy, my intestines kept getting in the way of seeing the baby.  I also have a heart shaped uterus.).  The ultrasound tech just smiled and said, "Ok, we'll just take a look and if we can't see anything, we'll do it vaginally."  Ugh.... ok.

Luckily, we found the baby within seconds.  She was measuring the baby and telling us everything on the screen.  Then she said, "it looks a little small."  My guard quickly went up.  I think I might have stopped breathing.  Then she said, "I can't see a heart beat."  She turned on the sound.....

...

...

Nothing.

I felt my heart drop.  I felt a tear fall from my eyes.  The tech went to get the doctor to view the images.  I just wiped my face, and Travis said, "It'll be ok.  Everything is alright."  Sharply, I responded, "Travis, there's no heart beat.  This isn't good."  He stayed quiet the rest of the time.

The doctor came into the room and looked at the screen.  He said the baby had stopped growing 6 days before.  He verified there was no heart beat.  The doctor went on talking about a hemorrhage and pointing to it on the screen.  I think I must have been in disbelief or shock.  I wasn't really sure if I was connecting the dots.  I knew he was a great doctor, so I might have had a little bit of hope left that some miracle could be done.  I asked him, "What does that mean?"  He responded, "it's not viable.  I'm sorry."  

I just gritted my teeth and tried holding back my tears, which didn't work.  I'm pretty sure the doctor said something more, but I wasn't listening.  I kept thinking, What the hell have I done to deserve this?  The tech said to meet the doctor in his office next door whenever we were ready.  She and the doctor left the room.  It was just Travis and I alone in this dark room... with the image of our baby on the screen.  I'll never forget looking at that screen one last time.  It's like time stopped.  Travis had come up to me, held my hand and hugged me.  He said something, but I was so entranced by that screen.  That little baby jellybean on the screen... It was alive. Now it's gone.

I took a deep breath, grabbed a tissue, wiped my face, and jumped down to grab my things.  Poor Travis, I don't think I looked at him or said anything to him.  I was so caught up in the moment, I neglected my husband.  I neglected his feelings too.  I knew he was hurt.  But it just didn't register for me.  We walked into the doctor's office next door.  His office was incredibly busy that day, so for him to take the time to sit down and wait for us... that says a lot about him and how genuine of a doctor he is.  That thought came into my mind as he started talking.  

The doctor discussed what he had seen in the ultrasound and gave me two options.  He said we could let it go naturally or we could do a D&C.  However, he said with my hemorrhaging, he highly recommended a D&C because going through the miscarriage naturally could cause for an emergency situation and put me in the ER.  I agreed to do the D&C.  He didn't want me to hemorrhage and drop the pregnancy before the D&C, so he scheduled our appointment for 5:30 AM the following day.  I was given orders to stay in bed and rest, and not to drink or eat anything after 11 PM.  He continued to talk to us about my previous miscarriages, and when I told him I have hemorrhaged before with my first pregnancy, he asked if he could run some tests to find out what is causing these miscarriages.  He did tell me that with my heart shaped uterus, I've probably had more early miscarriages that I didn't know about - which made me think of all the times I was late with a negative pregnancy test...  However, he did not feel that the shape of my uterus is causing my later miscarriages.  

I was pretty speechless.  I was afraid to talk.  I was afraid the moment I said anything, I'd start bawling.  Travis spoke up for me - which I'm very thankful for.  He told the doctor that many women in my family have multiple miscarriages or infertility.  The doctor said he has many patients that do, so not to worry.  "Let's just find some answers and go from there."

Travis and I had drove separately because he had to leave for work immediately after our appointment.  I sat in my car for a few minutes in silence.  I wanted to pray, but I didn't know what to pray for.  I wanted to cry now, but I held so much in, I just couldn't cry.  I called my work because I had told my boss I would be back in later that evening to finish up some things.  A very nice coworker, who was very excited to see ultrasound pictures, answered the phone.  She didn't pry... she could tell I didn't have good news when I told her I wouldn't be back in for a few days.  I told her we had lost the baby, and I didn't know when I would return to work.  She forwarded the message to my boss, who was very understanding.

That night, I made the dreadful phone calls to our parents.  "We lost the baby."  "I'm ok."  I told them everything the doctor said.  It was very well scripted.  I didn't want to cry.  I didn't want our family to worry.

Sometimes, I think guys show it in the weirdest of ways - but I think guys go through a mental mind fuck when they experience a miscarriage.  Their friends don't really understand.  Travis tried to be supportive as I went through my hormonal ups and downs.  He sat beside me throughout the procedure (when he could) and never left my side.  He saw how much pain I was in, and there was nothing he could do for me.  Travis tried to pick up the weight for two in this house - because I was so sick and in so much pain for a week after the D&C.  I did not recoup from the D&C well at all.  The pain was so intense, it would knock me to the ground.  I was on so much medication that when the pain meds wore off, I knew exactly when it did.  I tried to keep up with eating but the nausea and the constant pain made me not want to eat.  When I refused to eat before taking my next dosage, I regretted not eating.  Poor Travis, he had to watch it.  He didn't have time to grieve or heal his own heart.  He had to take care of me and everything else.  And all the while, many of his friends were not sympathetic.  They just didn't get it.

I look at him now and wonder how he kept himself together.  He got angry a few times - not at me - but at his friends who refused to see the big picture.  They were busy telling him he was whipped or a "puss" for not standing up to me.  They were busy telling him that he answers to my every beck and call... mind you... he just lost his baby, and he's watching his wife suffer with emotional breakdowns and physical pain.  What was he supposed to do?  And all the while, I was so focused on me and my pain, I wasn't there for him when he needed me.  My husband, who would do anything for me, didn't have anyone there for him and he didn't have a chance to grieve his loss.  I feel so guilty for this.  I've heard him say that it could be him... it could be his fault we can't have babies.  I know he's hurting and he's confused.  And now that I'm feeling better, I'm sorry that I wasn't there for him.  And I'm sorry no one took the time to be there for him in my absence.  

I don't know what I'm to take from this miscarriage.  I know I've questioned my faith all year.  But maybe just now isn't the time for Travis and I to have children.  We are not going to try again for a while.  I don't know when we'll be ready to try again.  All I know is that this year, we've promised to dedicate it to ourselves - to our marriage and our friendship.  I've promised to be more outgoing and spontaneous with his adventures.  I've promised to be a little bit more independent.  He's promised to be more of a home body.  He's promised to do more things with just the two of us - no other friends included.  Maybe that's just what we need....

Reflection

I have done quite a bit of self-reflection since my last post.  I realized I had dreams, I had plans, and I was bound and determined to reach them.  However, I did not.

I thought by now, I would have a great career.  I thought I would have the house with a white picket fence.  I thought I'd at least have one child by now and living happily ever after.  Unfortunately, those cards didn't play out, not yet at least.

I get so over my head with dreams and hopes.  It's like I'm forcing the next stage of life to happen.  I am forcing the happy ending to start now.  I feel like I have been patient long enough.  It's been years that we've been struggling.  People say I live in a generation of self-entitlement and instant gratification - and you know... they are probably right.  But sometimes I can't help but wonder... when is it my time to shine?  When will our happily ever after begin?

I've tried being optimistic and positive.  I've tried being proactive, organized, and detailed in everything.  I can't say that my discipline hasn't paid off because it has.  We are much better off than where we were last year.  We are much better off than where we were in January.

I don't like living with my father-in-law.  Living here has built up a lot of depression, anxiety, frustration, and just meanness.  Travis and I realized that our problems stem from not being self-sufficient enough to start our new beginning.  So I've been very proactive and disciplined towards finding that better job.  I'm searching for my new career.  And Travis has been very proactive towards finding a better paying job that will allow him to go to college.

On top of it all, I forgot to just live my life.  I'm not living my life for me anymore.  I'm living my life for that future house.  I'm living my life to pay off the next bill on time.  I'm living my life to count the pennies.  I'm not LIVING.

So in the big scheme of things, I have to start being happy and grateful for what I have.  I have to stop constantly searching for happiness when I have it right here beside me.  I have my adorable cuddly kitty cats.  I have a roof over my head.  I have enough money to live comfortably.  I have a supportive, loving family.  I have in-laws that I get along with very well.  I have co-workers that I really do enjoy to be around.  I have friends that will always be there.  I have my health.  And most importantly, I have an amazing husband who will always be there for me.  He will always support me and my goals.  He will always help me.  He loves me as much as I love him.  He never asks for anything in return.  He's always a happy-go-lucky kind of guy.  He has a beautiful soul.  And not to mention, he has been and will always be my DREAM guy.  I am very lucky and blessed to have him in my life.  No matter what happens, I will be happy.  I will be happy because he is truly genuine.  Together, we've been through harder times.  We've been through worse.  We will get through this stage together.

Big Bug Eyes & Who I Am

I have to share this story about my daddy. When I was a little girl, I had a huge crush on a boy that I hung out with at recess. I thought he liked me too. Being a little first grader, my heart had never been broken before. One day, that boy made fun of me because I had "big bug eyes". I cried. The next day, I didn't want to go to school. I was embarrassed about my big eyes and most of all, I was hurt. I purposely missed the bus. My dad ended up taking me to school that morning. I cried and begged not to go. My dad asked me what was wrong and I told him what the boy said. My dad said "I fell in love with your mom's big brown eyes. Your eyes are beautiful. Don't let some silly boy tell you otherwise. When you are older and that boy falls in love with your big beautiful eyes, you tell him I am sorry but your eyes are too small. Then you bat your big brown eyes at him and walk away." I never forgot that conversation. Love you daddy.

I have seen a few other bloggers doing this lately.  I think it is great.  I'm not the best at writing my emotions without offending someone.  So I try really hard to keep it all to myself.  It's not that I think offensive things... it's just that people don't always understand my point of view and I can't explain it correctly.  Well, here's my chance to voice a little bit of what's been on my mind lately.

My dad is very proud of me.  My mother tells me all the time that she doesn't worry about me because she knows I'll figure out a way.  My parents believe in me and support me.  They think I have a good head on my shoulders, and they know I can accomplish so much with my talents and my drive.  I wish I saw myself from their eyes.

I don't always like myself.  I know, not everyone does.  But I've battled with it a lot.  I feel like a cry baby that whines all the time.  I am my worst critic.  I will call myself awful names.  If I fall behind on anything, I will equate it to my self-worth.  I use to see a therapist.  She told me I was a clinical perfectionist.  If something isn't perfect, I will give up, I quit, I tear myself apart, and my atmosphere greatly affects my feelings and behavior.  And you know what - she's right.

I took Prozac to overcome a lot of emotional turmoil.  I'm not on it anymore - but I do wish I continued it.  I was a much more pleasant person.  I liked myself more.  I was more laid back.  Honestly, I like me better on Prozac.  Doesn't that sound bad?  Someone told me it was addictive, but I wonder "is it addictive because I prefer my life to be that way?"

I used to be such a happy child.  I was grossly optimistic about everything.  I loved everyone.  I made friends everywhere I went.  As I got older, that went away.  When I was active in church, I was in high school.  I always went to church with my family as a whole.  I loved it.  I felt closer to God.  Life was pleasant.  Things just seemed to fall into place.  I was happy again.  I tried to bring church back into my life, but every time I went by myself, it just wasn't the same.  So of course, I fell back into my funk.

Every day, I call myself some awful names.  "I'm lazy."  "I'm ugly."  "I'm mean."  "I don't deserve this."  "I'm ungrateful."  "I'm dumb."  "I'm not worth it."  "I'm hateful and bitter."  "I'd be a terrible mother."  "I'm selfish."

Travis hears me say this.  Today, I fell deep into a funk.  Every once in a while, I will just wake up, and everything will feel wrong.  I will refuse to go outside and be seen.  I won't want to talk to anyone.  I want to bottle myself up and lock me away.  I will sleep until the day passes.  That's what happened today.

I stayed up late trying to find paperwork.  I had a dentist appointment at 7:45 AM this morning.  Sure enough, I slept right through my alarm this morning.  I had a list of things I wanted to get done today - and going to the dentist was number 1.  You want to know how many things on my To-Do List that I actually accomplished today?  ZERO.

I missed the dentist appointment.  "OMG, Liz, you are so unreliable.  Why would anyone want to hire you for a good paying job?"  Boom.  I skipped going to a company that has my dream job available.  I already sent a resume to them, but I wanted to go in and introduce myself and present a portfolio of my work.  I stayed in bed instead.  I looked at my portfolio and pointed out everything that is wrong with it.  I tossed it aside.  It wasn't good enough to give out to someone looking to hire.  I was going to go to the zoo to volunteer today.  Did I do that?  Nope.  I got up out of bed, looked at the time.  I had about 3 hours until the office closed.  "You are so slow, you can't get ready in that time and get there in enough time to get anything done.  Way to go for ruining the day!"

I didn't go.  I looked at myself in the mirror and called myself mean names.  I looked around our room - which needs some serious attention right now since Travis and I have been working non-stop.  It's a mess.  I felt like a terrible wife.  Here I sit, sulking, and Travis is at work busting his butt to make a decent paycheck.  He can't do it all.  So automatically, I hate myself for not helping it out like I should.  I'm not a good wife.  I don't deserve him.

Travis called me to talk during one of his breaks.  I told him I'm having one of my bad days.  He talked to me, saying it was all ok.  The company has my resume.  I can turn my portfolio in next week and fix it up how I want it until then.  It was no big deal.  He said, "oh wow, you missed a dentist appointment!  Who cares?  It happens.  Just reschedule it.  Yeah sure we just lost $25.  But oh well, you didn't mean to!"  I told him how I couldn't get up to even go out to the zoo.  He said "It's VOLUNTEERING!  They said you can go in whenever you want.  You made your own deadlines and schedules.  It's not that big of a deal!  Just go in on another day."  (I found out later that no one was even in the office today anyways because of an event.)  I told him about how I felt like I can't accomplish anything.  Our room is a disaster and I'm just messing things up.  He told me to just do some laundry and relax.  I'm burnt out.  He then invited me to dinner when he went on break just so I could get out of the house.

I'm lucky to have Travis who understands me.  But I haven't told my parents any of this.  I dodge their questions when they bring anything up.  I don't want them to think less of me.  I know that they won't.  I just feel like I owe it to them to be a good daughter - a daughter to be proud of.  Right now, I'm not too proud of myself - so why should they be?  

I have these terrible funks.  I know I don't broadcast my downfalls.  I only try to post the happy stuff.  I only try to post the pleasant things in life because I don't want to recognize these bad moments I have.  I don't want to be a whiner.  I don't know how to overcome this.  The answers seem so easy and simple. Just get up and do what you have to do.  Don't think.  Just do it.  But some days, I can't and I don't know why.

**ETA:  I should clarify so that no one takes this out of context.  When Travis told me to do some laundry, it's because he knows doing laundry puts me in a better mood.  I don't know why, but I enjoy it.  It also needed to get done anyways.  And since our room is a disaster and it's mostly clothes, he knows that our room being a mess is affecting my behavior.  If I, myself, get up and make it better - it puts me in a happier mood.  He was not trying to domestic me or be chauvinistic in any way.**

The Perfect House(s)

I don't think we have ever come across a house that we both agree is perfect.  Travis and I have been casually looking at houses to see what's available in our price range.  We could be homeowners in March.  Or, we can wait, boost our credit and gain more in savings and potentially qualifying for a little more if we wait until fall.  So we've been looking to get an idea of what we want to do.  It's become a nice little date night for us.  We get something super cheap to eat and drive around together.  We talk about what we like and don't like - and sometimes we'll act like we already own the house - just to see what it would feel like for a brief moment.  We talk about our future, and we dream together.

As we have been casually looking around, we found 2 houses that we just fell in love with.  Terrible timing!  We shouldn't have started looking!  I knew this would happen!

These houses have been on the market for a while.  I'm saddened by the thought that these houses might not be on the market anymore when we are ready to make an offer.  But at least we got to see them.

Here's our #1 pick:

No one buy it - PLEASE!!

Here's our #2 pick:

Now I feel heartbroken.  I'm not looking at any houses anymore.  I'm just going to end up sulking because we didn't get it.

When you were house-hunting, when did you start looking at houses on the market?  Did you miss out on a house that you really wanted?

**ETA:  So we found out today that we do not want House #2 because it is a Short Sale.**

Always Keep Track of Everything - Update!

It's super important to keep track of everything.  Whenever you make a payment, it is always best to either write on the bill when you paid it, how you paid it, and if you spoke to anyone about your bill, the person's name.  It's also super important that anything you pay online, you get a copy of your payment, print it out, make sure it says how you paid it, and again: if you spoke to anyone, their name.  And it's always important to file everything - from your bills to your bank statements - and have it filed in a way that you can easily find things.

I have had collectors call me in the past and try to convince me that I did not pay a bill.  All I had to do was go into that file, find the bill, and I could tell them "I paid it on this day, with this check/credit card, and I spoke to Joe on this other date." They would fumble and say, "we'll note this on your file!"  If I didn't have that, they would probably try to persuade me into paying extra.

One collector in the past tried to tell me that I didn't pay a bill.  I did.  The debt was 100% paid off.  They kept calling, kept harassing me, and I kept telling them no.  For months, they bothered me.  AND, they continued to hit my credit.  Then, they sent me a letter saying that if I didn't pay a certain amount, they were taking me to court on December 4, 2011.  Needless to say, I paid them.  It is terrible to get summoned for a collection debt.  That will hit your credit super hard.  They were wrong.  In 2012, they were audited.  They had to fix my credit score from the damage they did to it, and they were required to give me back the extra amount I paid.
Which reminds me that I need to send a copy of the letter to Kari....

Always keep track of everything.  It is so easy now with online payments and automatic withdraws for companies and collectors to get sticky fingers.  Which is what I experienced today!

I have not been late on my student loan payments.  I have always paid on time.  Since we are trying to boost our credit, we never wanted to run the risk of being late on a payment.  I set up automatic withdraws for my monthly payments.  I thought that my bills would be paid on time.... Apparently not.

Last Thursday, I checked my student loans online.  I owed $283.  I noticed that there were no pending payments listed.  Worried, I tried to pay the bill anyways.  A notice came up saying that since I was signed up for automatic withdraws, any amount I paid would be ADDITIONAL.  Currently, I do not want to pay anything additional.  So I assumed that the payment would go through on it's due date (today).

I went back to the online bill pay for my student loans to find a lovely notice saying I was past due!

Say What??

HOW can someone on automatic payment withdraws be past due??  I tried to pay it, but again, I got a notice saying that since I am currently set up with automatic withdraws, it would be additional.  Now, how in the world am I supposed to pay this bill?  I decided what the heck, I'll just ask to be reimbursed the additional amount.  Then I was presented with this lovely message:

Oh, well that's convenient.

I checked my online bank account.  Sure enough, there was the student loan company's name in all capital letters.  They took out the payment from my bank account!  Not only did they take out a payment, they took out $357.06.  That's $73.20 more than my monthly payment.

Well look at that!

I will be updating this post after I speak to customer service.  This cannot hit my credit!  I am freaking out a little bit.  This is criminal.  They have to fix it - and they have to guarantee that it will not touch my credit!  Saying I'm mad is an understatement right now.  However, if they don't fix it, a friend of mine told me that his family (who own a law firm) will have no problem speaking on my behalf.  If it has to go further, his family will represent me pro bono (aka, free).  Hopefully it won't have to go to that extent, but just in case, it is nice to know I have that leverage.

*~*~*~*~*~* UPDATE *~*~*~*~*~*

So I called customer service this morning first thing.  I was so mad and confused.  The Customer Service Rep (CSR) did not make matters any better.  Travis had to take the phone away from me and talk to her.  What can I say, I was more than frustrated!

We'll go back a little ways.  Usually, when I think of "Due Date" for bills, I assume that is the day the payment is due.  I'm never a day late on payments.  Because Travis and I live paycheck to paycheck, we budget hardcore.  Each week, I have it planned to pay a little bit towards all of my bills - based on priority.  That way, my bills are paid BEFORE the due date.  It also helps us to live our lives on a week to week basis without fear that our bills won't be paid.  It's all planned out and we do our best to follow our plans.  On top of that, it's always best to pay the bills with the highest interest rate early because a greater percentage of the payment will pay towards the principle balance - not interest.  By the time the bill is due, majority of the payment will go towards interest.

On January 3rd, I paid $75 towards my student loan bill.  On Friday, January 4th, I called the company and spoke to a CSR about lowering my monthly payments.  It's not that we can't afford it, necessarily, but we'd rather use that money at this time to purchase a home.  That way, we can always pay more when we can or when we want to.  The CSR gave me a few options, and we worked out a plan.  He told me that my next bill will be $282 (and some odd cents - I always round up).  I asked him about my $75 - and he said it would be applied towards my bill of $282.

On January 15th, I did the dumb thing and signed up for automatic payments.  I should not have done that.  Once I signed up for automatic payments - that $75 became an "additional" amount.  I did not know this.  On January 24th, I checked my online account to see if the payment had gone through yet.  It didn't.  There were no pending payments.  However, it said my monthly payment was $282 (and some odd cents).  Because the loan company recently changed their website, I could not find a statement anywhere saying what amount was paid or not.  Because the CSR told me that my monthly payments would be $282, I assumed the amount listed was the total bill.  I figured the $75 would be applied, because that's what he said!

Sunday was the due date.  I checked my online loan account, and you all know what I found.  So this morning, bright and early, I called the company and the CSR got an earful.  She would not give me a straight answer.  I was so confused, that I just lost it.  It sounded like no one there knew what in the world I even owed!  Once Travis got on the phone, and I calmed down, things started to become clear between us.

Turns out, the previous CSR did not change my monthly payment plan and never made a note on the account.  So technically, I owed $357.06.  The balance that was showing up online was the amount after the $75 had been applied.  HOWEVER, because I signed up for automatic payment withdraws, those automatic payments take out the full amount.  So this company not only took out $357.06 - they also took out an additional $75.  Basically, we "lost" $150 this month.  I asked if, because of the confusion, they could reimburse $75 or apply it towards my next bill, and they said no.  There was nothing they could do.  We are just out that money.

We set up a new payment plan with this CSR.  I have her name, and I recorded our conversation.  I won't let that happen to me again.  Once she knew she was being recorded, she certainly changed her tune.  Now, we're back to what we were originally paying in December:  $303.  Whatever.  Now I have to update our budget again.

This has me super upset.  I could have used that $75 towards our House Fund.  Here's why:  Travis and I have been working with credit advisors and what not to boost our credit.  Our credit advisor suggested that since I paid off my credit card completely, I should put $100 on it and pay it down to $10-$20 to develop a consistent history of revolving credit.  I followed their advice and put $110 on my credit card.  I WAS going to use $75 for paying down my credit card - but it looks like we're going to have to pull $75 from our House Fund savings account to pay the credit card.  Thanks student loan company! **obviously sarcasm**

A Little On The Personal Side

This might be a long one.  However, I need a way to put this in the right words.  I know that I don't know everything.  But I have always been a huge supporter of equal rights in this country.  For someone that doesn't know this, they obviously don't know me well.  It's something that fuels me.  It's a topic that I find incredibly sensitive.  Today I had to delete a few posts from a supposed "friend" because of something they said that could have hurt a lot of other friends and people I know.  I know people don't like "dirty deletes" - but when it is something that is full of sarcasm and bigotry that is going to hurt people - I find deleting these are appropriate.  I don't want that on my profile. AT. ALL.

Honestly, politics are ridiculous.  I lost my cool this past election because all topics that were brought up involved equal rights.  I could not comprehend how people could be so cruel and narrowminded.  I could not understand why people were fighting AGAINST equal rights.  I lost it.  This past year, I've been so sensitive to the topics of equal rights - that I have gladly, without double thinking, unfriended Facebook friends and stopped talking to those who disagree with me completely on the topic.  I have even stopped contact with cousins because we cannot see eye to eye - so much so that it interferes with our relationship.  People may think I handle it immaturely, but I don't.  Why would I want to have people in my life that I feel do not agree with my morals, who do not support my beliefs (whether or not they agree with them), and who purposely say or do things that could hurt those I care about just out of spite?  I can't handle it.  Because I can't handle it, I cut it out of my life completely.

I will never apologize for sticking up for Gay Rights.  I will never apologize for speaking up about women's rights in areas I feel it is neglected.  And I will never tolerate someone making fun of my beliefs or gay individuals.  End of story.  If you expect an apology for that, then you won't find it here.

Growing up, I've had to talk 2 friends out of suicide because they were gay.  I stuck up for my friends when kids at school would make fun of them.  I remember long, late night talks about their fears about the day they tell their parents.  One important influence in my life was a Buddhist and he is gay.  I will always, for the rest of my life, stick up for gay rights and freedom of religion because I owe it to that important person.  He was a teacher who taught me a lot more from life than any hateful bigot I've met.  He was there when I needed someone most in my adolescence.  I owe it to him to make sure that he has the same rights in this country that I do.  He opened my eyes to a life I didn't know existed.  The least I could do for him is stick up for a life he deserves to have.

I don't care if I'm a Christian Episcopalian.  If you are a Buddhist (or any other religion), why would I have any reason to have hatred or unkindness to offer you?  Why would I not stick up for someone's rights for freedom to love who they want and receive the same benefits in this country as I do?  Why would I not stick up for someone's rights for freedom of religion if I want to protect my rights to worship how I choose?

Mock me all you want.  I've heard it a million times.  "Put your cape away."  "Quit pretending to be a hero." "You won't end up a martyr, so why are you trying so hard?"  I grew up sticking up for people.  When I see people ganging up on someone, being mean just because they can, or practicing straight up bigotry - YES, I will stick up for someone.  You better believe that if you aren't around, I'll stick up for you too.  I won't just sit back and let everyone have at it.  I don't think I'm some kind of hero.  I don't pretend to care.  But if I see someone getting BULLIED - you better believe I'll speak up.  Why?

Because sometimes, the person being bullied cannot!

I have known 2 people who have taken their lives because they felt people treated them unfairly.  They felt like they couldn't speak up.  They felt like they didn't matter.  I'll be damned if one more person I know suffers that without knowing that at least I stood up for them - no matter how big or small it is.

I don't care what color you are.  I don't care where you grew up.  I don't care who your family are.  I don't care if you are straight, bi, gay, or trans.  I don't care if you are Atheist.  I don't care if you are a little more sensitive to people's comments.  Some of us don't naturally carry thick skin and a backbone.  I have witnessed sweet, quiet people looking for belonging get trampled on because that's all they want:   A sense of belonging.  If you want to fit in, you aren't going to have that thick skin and backbone until someone shows you what thick skin and backbones even are!  You aren't going to have any idea what it is like if everyone is beating you while you are down.

I will not apologize for sticking up for people.

I will not tolerate people saying hateful things without me having a say.  Guarantee, I will be the lone ranger in a hateful crowd.  I will not let it slide.  In my eyes, there's too much to lose if I do.

Most importantly, I will not apologize for sticking up for myself.  If you are nice to me, I am nice to you.  But if you want to call me and cuss me out - I'm not going to listen to it.  If you want to send me mean messages, I'm going to delete them.  And if you are going to attack me, I'll defend myself.  I will never apologize for that, either.

If you don't like it - then move along.

EDITED:  My former teacher, Marc, posted this tonight.  It was fitting for this post.  I'm quick on the defense and I get emotional.  It's something I need to work on.  It doesn't do me any justice to flip out.  Anyways, I wanted to share this with you all.

“When a simpleton abused him, Lord Buddha listened to him in silence, 
but when the man had finished, the Buddha asked him, ‘Son, if a man 
declined to accept a present offered to him, to whom would it belong?’ 
The man answered ‘To him who offered it.’ ‘My son’, Buddha said, ‘I 
decline to accept your abuse. Keep it for yourself.’”

Feeling Down

Recently, a couple of people I know personally told me that they loved reading my blogs.  WHO KNEW?  I didn't think anyone really read them, so I stopped blogging back in August.

This is my confession.  I'm lazy.  Let's just be honest here.  If I don't have to do it, I won't do it.  Unfortunately, such a vice is more hazardous than enjoyable.  It's definitely my biggest sin... SLOTH.  It sounds terrible.  It's not an attractive trait at all.  And I've realized it's a habit that's making me unhappy with life.

I think what happened to me was that I settled in my disappointments about my life.  I focused on the negative.  I look at our bills every month and look at our income, and I cry.  I think of the amazing apartment we had in Bloomington, the joys of being free to roam, and seeing my friends and family randomly at my door every single day.  I loved it.  We had our furniture, whether it was hand-me-downs or purchased, and we were happy.  We had our privacy.  We had our alone times.  Travis and I really loved being just the two of us.  And then I look at where we are today...

I love our family.  They have been incredibly supportive.  We'd be homeless if it weren't for our generous and loving family.  I've been blessed.  But it breaks my heart every day to see our income is less than it was before moving to Fort Wayne, our monthly bills are the exact same amount as when we lived in Bloomington, we've sold a good portion of our furniture, and we pretty much live in a bedroom at my father-in-law's and my grandfather-in-law's home with the rest of our items stored in a friend's warehouse.  This is not where I expected to be 10 months after moving to Fort Wayne to pursue our life together.

Being a recent graduate, I'm scared.  I'm scared that Travis and I will never afford a home of our own.  I'm scared that I'll never have the career to support my family.  I get frightened when applying for jobs - as silly as it is - because I'm afraid I don't know what I'm doing or how to sell myself to a potential employer.  After all, what experience do I have to offer?  I'm intimidated by the amazing talent that my fellow peers have.  And most of all, I'm scared about my health.

Ok, ok, I know, tons of people have heard the story.  I have birth defects.  Intestinal Malrotation (IM) and Bicornuate Uterus (BU).  With no health insurance, I don't go to a doctor like I should... like I need to.  We just cannot afford it right now to go as often as I need to and to pay for the medications and treatments I need.  What makes it worse is the pain.  It hits me out of the blue.  And when it does, I cannot do anything.  It's paralyzing.  If I had the money to afford medications and regular treatment, I wouldn't be in such pain.  We've tried applying for MedicAid, but I have to be disabled or pregnant.  We've tried applying for the Healthy Indiana Plan, but we were told it'd be 2 years before I could receive insurance since the waitlist is so long.  Previously, when I applied for insurance on my own, I was given a quote, then told I was denied.  Fingers crossed, Travis may have a job at a local popcorn factory that would give us insurance.  If he gets the job (which I'm confident he will), we'd have a 90 day period to wait before we can finally have insurance through his job.  I'm counting down the days....

These past 24 hours have been pretty agonizing.  My IM and GERD have been giving me a lot of pain and issues.  I noticed something wasn't right last month.  When I called the local Neighborhood Clinic to schedule an appointment, they said there wasn't any openings for over a week.  When the receptionist asked for the reason behind my visit, I told her I had no idea if it was my IM or GERD giving me such terrible pain.  I don't know what's going on.  She scheduled an appointment for me for tomorrow morning.  We're taking money out of our emergency fund for my visit tomorrow.  I can't wait any longer to find out what's happening.  We will see what's going on with my innards tomorrow.  I'll keep my followers posted.

Saying No

The hardest part of our journey to getting out of debt and back on our feet is saying "no" to family and friends.  We want to spend time with everyone, but it's hard to say, "no, we can't go out and eat at that nice restaurant tonight" or saying, "no, we can't come visit this month."  It's so difficult.  It breaks my heart to tell those I love that we cannot go out and do fun things.  It hurts even worse to tell them I cannot see them.

When you are trying to get out of debt, and your biggest feat is a lack of income, you have to prioritize your time and money.  Soon, we'll be paying back my student loan debt.  We've just established Baby Step #1 in building a $1000 emergency fund.  Yes, we will have income coming in soon.  But we still have bills to pay and a savings to build up for a home.  We have to put money into maintenance on our car.  We have been very lucky that my parents have paid for the car insurance.  We would like that to end.  We also need to save up money so that we can have health insurance.  Gas is super expensive - so traveling is just not in the hand we've been dealt right now.

I know family and friends are not in our shoes, so they don't see it like we do.  I know they don't mean any harm.  But there comes a point in time where they get tired of hearing "sorry, no."  We've tried to balance everything the best we can.  It's just hard to please everyone.  I wish that people would give us a little more time.  It isn't like we don't appreciate our family and friends.  We want to spend as much time as possible with each and every one of them.  But we just cannot afford it.  Everyone else is established in their lives.  We've cut back drastically.  This year is dedicated to getting on our feet.  I know many people don't understand it completely.  I try to stay in touch through e-mails, Facebook, and phone calls. I try to explain that it isn't because I don't like them or that I'm not upset with them.  But here is the time where that brick wall hits.  They think we don't want them in our lives because we cannot afford to travel.  They think we don't want to spend time with them because we never go out with them.  And it's always the same reason:  we cannot afford it right now.  When that time comes, it's hard on everyone.  Others see this as an excuse.  We say will come see them as soon as we can afford it - but it comes across like broken, empty promises - even though it is genuine.  After all, how many times does it take before you get tired of hearing the same excuse?

I'm not upset with anyone because I understand how they feel.  At times, I'm at a loss for what to say.  Some individuals have been pretty harsh towards us.  Some have created a huge fiasco over it that I have officially pulled myself away.  It makes me feel bad when they refuse to see things from my point of view.  It isn't like debt is going to go away overnight.  It isn't like we'll have extra money to spend in a snap.  But here's a great perspective that I have....

My father once told me, "it's more convenient to see everyone else than it is for them to see you."  This is a sarcastic comment.  It means that some people expect YOU to go out of your way to see THEM.  Not once does it cross their minds to say, "I know they've hit a rough patch financially.  Maybe I'll go see them and we can do something that doesn't cost money."

Dave Ramsey talked about this on one of his talk shows.  He said that there comes a time where you have to start saying no if you want to get out of debt.  You have to learn how to say no to people.  It is easy to rack up debt and blow money when you go out with the people you enjoy being around.  Think about it.  A couple of close friends ask you to go out one night.  What happens?  You are more inclined to spend money you cannot risk spending.  You might buy an adult beverage to be social.  You might go to a nice restaurant and spend $12-15 on your meal.  You might feel more inclined to go out to see a movie.  That money adds up - especially when you have an "income problem."

Not everyone is going to understand.  It's a hard road to travel.  But you have to keep telling yourself, "this will all be worth it in the end."  Don't fall back into old habits.  Now is the time to keep pressing forward.  Later on, those who truly care will see where you have been and what you accomplished.  There will be a day where you won't have to worry about gas for traveling.  When that day comes, everyone will see it.  You won't have to say anything.  For those that don't get it when that day arrives... well, you can decide where the relationship will go from there.

Opportunities, but What Path Should I Take?

Well, I have put out my resumes for work study positions.  I have to have a work study set by September 30th!  YIKES!  I'm just waiting to hear back from these people.  As of yesterday, the IDS school newspaper and student media has scheduled an orientation for me:  Thursday, September 22nd at 7 PM.  This should be fun!  It's definitely ideal, since afterall, I'll get to play around with many more interactive programs for the internet and come up with fun blog and website ideas.  I know I'll like it.

However, I had my heart set on a work study position at this theater here in town.  It is a historic theater, and the work study positions were as assistants in public relations and marketing.  It is totally up my alley.  I would love this.  But they haven't e-mailed me or called me back all week.  I'm bummed.  But who knows, maybe they'll ask for me to join their crew later?  This ideal situation has me thinking....

I will not turn away this position with the IDS school newspaper and student media.  As a matter of fact, it is a paying job.  But they work with the university, so I can do my work study there.  AWESOME!  But what if... what if the theater calls me up and says that they want to hire me as their work study assistant?  I don't know if I could switch work study jobs.... My ideal situation would be to set up the IDS as a work study position.  Then IF the theater hires me, I'd like to switch my work study position to the theater (because they only hire work-study), and take the IDS as a part time job.  If I did that... I would have to quit my job at Five Guys.

I won't lie.  Quitting Five Guys sounds awesome because the work is just not my cup of tea.  I needed a job.  I got the job.  I established great relationships there.  I haven't worked there long, but I really like the crew (some of them) and my bosses.  One of my bosses is one of my references.  I would hate to lose a good reference by being a short-term employee.  I've been there for about a month and a half.  To put my 2 weeks notice in (IF I get the theater job) now... I feel like I'm cheating on them!  Why?!  I have no idea.  But there is no way I could do 18 credit hours in school and work 3 jobs.  No. Way.  Besides, the IDS position and the theater are in my field of studies.... Five Guys is not.

So, I am kind of worried.  I would hate to let everyone at Five Guys down.  I'd hate to leave them.  But I will have to if these opportunities present themselves.  And, I'm worried about what that will do to my references....  Also, there is an incentive to stay.... a chance at $1000 (which is highly likely due to our scores) at the end of the quarter.  An extra $1000 on my last paycheck there would be super nice.


Other than that, we're still kickin' it.  We've got all the bills caught up.  We're doing alright.  I'm a little bit behind on my school work.  I'm going to get serious about catching up this weekend.  Luckily, nothing is going on this weekend that will prevent me from spending a lot of time reading.

Everyone Wants Paid... Except Me?

I am really frustrated with my previous job at the moment.  I have a $300-$400 check that was mailed to the wrong address.  I have went in personally to speak with the supervisors about my check, and the gentleman took my name, my correct address, and my phone number.  He told me that he would "take care of it."  A week went by, and I still hadn't received it.  So I called, only to be directed to voicemail.  I left a detailed message, explaining my paycheck was mailed to the wrong address and I would like to know the status of my paycheck.  I did not get a call back.

Here it is, one month later, and I still haven't received it.  I went in another time, only to give my information all over again to someone new.  I called a total of 5 times.  By this point, I was upset.  More like pissed off.  I had to go in person again to the office.  ALL of the supervisors were standing outside smoking.  The gentleman I spoke to the first time said bye to everyone and left.  Convenient.... As I spoke to another supervisor, this girl tries to give me every excuse in the book.

"We just fired a bunch of staff."
That sucks... I don't really care.

"We cannot handle checks here."
Ok, direct me to someone who can.

"Oh, I remember you.  Did you not get my e-mail?"
Nope, never got an e-mail.

"Did someone call you?"
No, that's why I'm here.

Then another supervisor (the one who told me that during my telemarketing calls, if the prospect says they are dying of cancer, I was supposed to ask "is it terminal?") comes up and asks if my check is even valid.  He began asking if there even was a check for me.  He was trying to persuade me into thinking this check didn't exist.  I gave him a snarky remark, saying I know for a fact because the other supervisor had told me it existed!  And um... HELLOOO.... I freaking worked for free practically!  That's not going to just fly by me.

After pressing for a while, the girl finally repeats, "well, we don't handle paychecks here."  I asked her who does.  She gives me the name, e-mail address, and phone number of the lady that handles the paychecks.  Then she feeds me the additional excuse, "yeah, like I said, we just fired a bunch of people last week, so it has been hectic."  I reply that this has been an issue for over a month now.  I wasn't buying the excuse.  She gives me a snarky apology, and the other supervisor (the one that didn't believe me) says that there was no way a paycheck could be lost for a month unless I didn't contact them about it.  Fired up, I responded, "Well, after coming in here multiple times and having my voicemails ignored, I don't really care what's happening here.  If I have to return here again, I'll bring my attorney with me."  They restate that they don't handle the paychecks, so I replied, "well then I'm sure your higher ups won't mind speaking to my attorney about your mishap."  I thanked them, and left.

They tried telling me that they don't handle the paychecks - which I know is a downright lie.  They handle them bi-weekly.  They send the paychecks out.  They were the ones that sent the paycheck to the wrong address.  And they were the ones avoiding my calls about the status of my paycheck for an entire month.

All the while, I think of how I received numerous calls from debt collectors and bills in the mail.  Everything has a due date.  I cannot go past the due date without paying - or else I could be given a fee.  But, when it comes to people paying ME back, they can take as long as they can.  Not only am I waiting on this paycheck, I'm still waiting on my reimbursement check from the Pathologists for over-paying.  Everyone wants their money, and they want it now.  But if I don't get paid for my work, I'm supposed to wait for when it is convenient for them.  What a load of crap!  UGH.

Everyone wants paid... but apparently I don't..... **sarcasm**

Where We Were...

Just to give a few people an idea of where we are coming from, I decided I would fill you in on the number crunch.  I'm not lying when I say we used all of our money to pay debt.  I've had a few people come up to me and say, "Oh, you think you have it bad..." and then proceed to tell me their negative numbers.  I'm not trying to belittle anyone.  I know this economy is really hurting people.  But we didn't just blow our money like I've seen some people do.  I know this sounds harsh, but I don't want to hear woe-me stories about debt when those people are doing literally nothing about it (other than blowing their paychecks on videogames, booze, strip clubs, and night clubs).  Then, they want to come up to me and tell me how I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to finances.  So, kiddos, I'm going to lay it out there and show you the numbers.

I'm only going to focus on medical bills and credit cards.  You'll get the picture.  Our rent is average, our utilities are very conservative (especially since water/sewage/trash/recycling is all included in our rent), and the only reason why we are in debt in the first place was because of medical expenses.  Our medical expenses forced us to use credit cards (which is stupid, don't do it unless you know you can pay off the credit card!).  I'm not going to include my student loans.  Why?  Because I believe you can't put a price on education.  Yes, I'll be paying it back - but paying back my student loans won't be nearly as difficult if we take care of our current debt.

Currently, these are the medical bills we're paying off:

• IU Health (when hubby had meningitis, it's the final bill):  min. $50/month = $175 remaining
• Radiologists (SIRA):  min. $20/mon = $405 total
• Dr. Greene's office:  min. $20/mon = $620 remaining
• Unity Physicians:  min. $120/mon = $2707 total

Currently, these are our credit cards (GASP - we only have 2!):

• Credit One:  min. $25/mon = $306 total
• Capital One:  min. $15/mon = $500 total

We are currently LOW income.  When I say low, I mean $1600/month income.  But this is me going to school full time, working only 16 hours a week (because that's all they can give right now), and my husband literally just got his job back after being laid off and is starting back this week.  I'm currently getting everything situated for my senior year in college, and I am looking into work study as well.  I'm still looking for a second part-time job, too.  

So, with our current expenses and our current income - it sounds doable, right?  We should be saving money!  No.  That's not correct.  We just started this income this week!  My husband was laid off for about 4 months!  I couldn't work up until April.  And when I could work, I spent the next 3 months looking for a job.  Economy is tough, ya'll.  So, you can imagine with no income, how hard that was.  Luckily, there were food pantries, generous family members willing to help because they understood our situation, and we used ALL of the money we ever saved to survive that difficult time.  Saving what we did prior was our emergency fund.  An emergency fund goes quickly.  I'm glad we had it when we needed it.

But here's something else.  We paid off a lot of debt.  How much?

• IU Health grand total:  $21,507.87
• Unity Physicians total: $1803.00
• Radiologists (SIRA) total:  $1065.00
• Pathologists total:  $165.00 (and we are expecting reimbursement of $27.50)

We paid off a total of $24,155.87 in 2 years.  Before I got ill, I worked.  I would work as many shifts as I could and I even pulled overtime.  But from November 22, 2010 until April 15, 2011, I could not because doctor's ordered me not to and for 3 months of that time, I was strictly bedridden - only permission to use the restroom.  And my husband worked a lot, pulled overtime, and did whatever he could.  We struggled for 2 years to pay off that amount.  That is not even including the bills family members contributed towards.  It costs a lot of money to save your life - and not all treatments are covered under insurance plans.

Paying off debt is possible.  We've done it - and we know there are sacrifices to be made.  But I definitely don't like someone telling me that I don't know what I'm doing, or that I'm following a cult because we're following Dave Ramsey's plan.  Maybe why so many people follow him is because it freaking works.

For all the other penny pinchers out there - stand your ground.  You aren't crazy!  I know it is possible.  We survived... literally.

Waiting & Jealous - I have to get this off my chest.

I can't help fight this funk.  I was pregnant before - and it was bad timing, and at first, I was upset.  But then I finally became ok with it and excited about it.  Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage this past April.  Ever since, I've been in this funk.  My husband and I are in no place to start TTC.  We're re-building our nest right now.  But I have baby fever - BAD.

My husband has noticed it.  He keeps reminding me that now is just not the time.  He says one day, we will have a home and start a family.  I just can't help fight this feeling - I'm impatient.  It's like my biological clock is ticking (and I'm only 24!).  Everyone around me is having babies.  One of my friends is due Oct. 29 - two days after my baby's due date.  It literally aches seeing her updates.  Don't get me wrong, I'm am incredibly happy for all my friends.  But I'm not exaggerating when I say I had 7 friends tell me in the same week that they are all expecting.  I can't help but feel jealous.  They all want to talk to me about all the great updates on their pregnancies, and I am happy for them that all is going well.  But, I can't help feeling sad at the same time.  Like today, I just found out that my cousin in-law is having baby #2.  He and his girlfriend moved into this nice 3 bedroom home.  He invited my husband and I over, and the moment I stepped into his house, saw all the baby toys, saw the house coming together.... I had to take a moment to step outside and breathe.  I felt like I was just going to bawl.  I'm so glad that everything is working out for them, but I just wish my life was in a better place for my hubster and I.

I know it wasn't in the cards we were dealt.  We were given a tough hand.  But I can't help feeling like I should be where they are by now.  I should have a career, a home, and be starting a family too.  But no... I'm waiting and trying to get everything all worked out now.  I know we're going about this the right way.  I know I'm doing the smart thing.  The feelings are just eating me alive right now, and I just can't escape them.