Friday, August 12, 2011

Waiting & Jealous - I have to get this off my chest.

I can't help fight this funk.  I was pregnant before - and it was bad timing, and at first, I was upset.  But then I finally became ok with it and excited about it.  Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage this past April.  Ever since, I've been in this funk.  My husband and I are in no place to start TTC.  We're re-building our nest right now.  But I have baby fever - BAD.

My husband has noticed it.  He keeps reminding me that now is just not the time.  He says one day, we will have a home and start a family.  I just can't help fight this feeling - I'm impatient.  It's like my biological clock is ticking (and I'm only 24!).  Everyone around me is having babies.  One of my friends is due Oct. 29 - two days after my baby's due date.  It literally aches seeing her updates.  Don't get me wrong, I'm am incredibly happy for all my friends.  But I'm not exaggerating when I say I had 7 friends tell me in the same week that they are all expecting.  I can't help but feel jealous.  They all want to talk to me about all the great updates on their pregnancies, and I am happy for them that all is going well.  But, I can't help feeling sad at the same time.  Like today, I just found out that my cousin in-law is having baby #2.  He and his girlfriend moved into this nice 3 bedroom home.  He invited my husband and I over, and the moment I stepped into his house, saw all the baby toys, saw the house coming together.... I had to take a moment to step outside and breathe.  I felt like I was just going to bawl.  I'm so glad that everything is working out for them, but I just wish my life was in a better place for my hubster and I.

I know it wasn't in the cards we were dealt.  We were given a tough hand.  But I can't help feeling like I should be where they are by now.  I should have a career, a home, and be starting a family too.  But no... I'm waiting and trying to get everything all worked out now.  I know we're going about this the right way.  I know I'm doing the smart thing.  The feelings are just eating me alive right now, and I just can't escape them.

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