Chromosomal Abnormalities

I followed up with my doctor in regards to our fetal tissue testing.  Turns out, there are chromosomal abnormalities.  My doctor gave me a lot of medical terminology that I just could not understand.  But the basic information is this:  my miscarriages are a result of chromosomal abnormalities.

The next step was for me to get some bloodwork done.  During a first trimester miscarriage, it is very well because the chromosomes of the fetus do not equal the required 46XX or 46XY chromosomes.  When there are frequent, first trimester miscarriages and the chromosomal abnormality is present, it could be because one of the parents' chromosomes is not offering the correct number or arrangement for a fetus to grow.  Small excerpt taken from MarchofDimes.com:

Chromosomal abnormalities usually result from an error that occurred when an egg or sperm cell was developing. It is not known why these errors occur. As far as we know, nothing that a parent does or doesn't do before or during pregnancy can cause a chromosomal abnormality in his or her child.

Sperm and egg cells are different from other cells in the body. These cells have only 23 unpaired chromosomes. When an egg and sperm cell join together they form a fertilized egg with 46 chromosomes.

But sometimes something goes wrong before fertilization. An egg or sperm cell may divide incorrectly, resulting in an egg or sperm cell with too many or too few chromosomes.

When this cell with the wrong number of chromosomes joins with a normal egg or sperm cell, the resulting embryo has a chromosomal abnormality. A common type of chromosomal abnormality is called a trisomy. This means that an individual has three copies, instead of two, of a specific chromosome.

Birth Defects: Chromosomal Abnormalities

 I still have not heard back from those results yet, but they may take up to 2 weeks.  If I am not the carrier here, then Travis will have to be tested.  However, it is highly likely that I'm the carrier.  Travis thinks he is "at fault," but I've been born with multiple birth defects.  It's more than likely me.

Travis and I are just taking it day by day.  We've definitely stopped trying to conceive until we know what's going on.  Until then, I'll keep posted on this journey.

The Truth Be Told

It has been a week now since my miscarriage.  I think I have some thoughts that I just need to get off of my chest.  I've done a pretty good job keeping it together, and trying to move on.  But in that time, I think I have neglected my feelings and put more stress and grief on myself.  It's so hard to go through a miscarriage and have all of these emotions.  Of course, there's the physical pain, but I think the emotions just make it ten times more excruciating.  It must be my way of guarding my heart from feeling broken, so I've suppressed what's been going on in my own mind.

Thanks to Pinterest, I came across this amazing blog series:  Miscellaneous from Missy: I Have to Be Honest.    It is a 6 part series with 2 additional posts from a guest.  It is quite a read, but definitely so worth it.  It really revolves around miscarriage and faith.  I won't lie, I've had my own personal battles with God during this past year.  I've loved Him and thanked Him for blessing me so.  I've relied on prayer.  But I haven't really attached myself to Him and I've pulled away from Him.  This is something I need to work on this year.  This blog series really opened up my eyes and made me reevaluate my relationship with God.  For all that He has given to me and done for me, I owe Him more respect and love than what I give.

In 2013, my emotions were just all over the place.  Travis and I had secretly tried to have a baby since February.  Every month, I counted the days.  I waited patiently.  I was eager to find to happy pink lines on a pregnancy test.  When each month passed, I was visited by the annoying Aunt Flow or I found another negative test.  I wanted to cry.  I felt like something was wrong with me.  What was I doing wrong?

Then August came around.  I was late, so impatiently, I took a test right away that came back negative.  I waited, with heart ache, for Aunt Flow to make her visit.  But she never showed.  I took another test.  Negative.  So I assumed it was just stress and tried moving on.  But still, she never showed.  I took about 4 tests, and three of them came back negative.  The last one:  positive.  I was so shocked.  I figured it couldn't be right.  Someone told me pregnancy tests don't show a false positive, so I spent the night in disbelief.  The next day, Aunt Flow arrived.

I didn't have any time to bond with that experience.  I hadn't told anyone except Travis.  We chose not to say anything because, well... we didn't bond with that pregnancy at all.  It was like a fluke.  So instead of reaping sorrow or pity from anyone else, we kept it a secret.  No sense in saying, "Hey, we got a positive but it's a no go now!"  About a week later, we went on a family vacation.  It was definitely a great opportunity for Travis and I to just recoup and be with each other.

So we kept trying.  I thought there was something seriously wrong with me.  I knew that after a year of trying to no avail, I could be declared infertile.  That idea scared me.  I wondered if Travis would love me the same (which is ridiculous, but I know how much he wants to have kids and he would never leave me).  I wondered what that would mean for my future - my goals, my plans.  I couldn't help but fear that every month, I was getting closer to that dreaded one year mark.  I started losing hope.

This past November - December, I was getting sick.  Is this morning sickness?? I was sick for a few weeks, and I definitely couldn't enjoy family dinners around the holidays.  Everything made me nauseous.  On December 9th,  I took a test.  I was by myself, and didn't tell Travis because I didn't want to get his hopes up in case it was another negative.  But to my surprise, the two pink lines showed up instantly!  Without a doubt, I was pregnant.  I was so excited, I completely spaced it when coming up with a cute way to tell Travis.  I just grabbed him and showed him.  We were so excited and happy.  I couldn't believe it.  But again, I guarded my heart.  I didn't want to tell anyone right away.  I was afraid it wouldn't last.

I went into my doctor's office for a check up and to verify everything.  I was definitely pregnant and my due date was set for August 13th.  So, ready as I was, Travis and I decided to tell our parents at Christmas.  I came up with cute Christmas presents, including a small baby toy, a bib, and a picture frame.  I even included a cute little poem.  First, we told my parents since their Christmas was first.  My mom and dad were very excited for us and congratulated us.  My sister was super happy for me, because she knew how badly I wanted this.

On Christmas Eve, we told Travis's dad.  His aunts were there too, so they witnessed his gift.  He was happy and said, "I was wondering when I was going to have grandkids!"  He was excited to have his first grandbaby.  All of Travis's aunts were congratulatory and said, "We're lucky!  We got to see the best gift this Christmas!"  

Christmas Day, Travis and I had spent the night with his mother, step dad, and all of his siblings.  We waited for his mom and step dad to open their gift last.  When we gave them their gifts, they were quiet for a second... then his mom gasped and started crying.  She asked, "Are you serious?!?!"  She was absolutely thrilled.  Mike, Travis's step dad, couldn't stop smiling.  He cracked a few jokes about how the bib was for him, and congratulated us and told us he couldn't wait to spoil the grandbaby.  

Everyone was happy.  Everyone knew how much we wanted this.  And I knew how our families have waited for this.  I was proud.  But I still kept my heart guarded.  Now the family knew.  If something bad came out of this, at least I wouldn't be alone.  But now I had everyone else's heart riding on this baby too.  I didn't want to break their hearts if things didn't go according to plan.  So, instead of bonding with the baby and pregnancy, I tried to keep myself detached so as not to be such a mess if I did miscarry.  I figured if I could be strong through a loss, if in case it did happen, then everyone else wouldn't be as heartbroken as they were the first time.

I found a great doctor that specializes in high risk pregnancies from a few friends.  When I was 9 weeks pregnant, Travis and I went in for my first appointment with him.  All of his first appointments start with an ultrasound prior to the visit.  Travis and I let our guard down.  We were so excited to see the baby and hear a heartbeat.  Eagerly, I jumped up on the table, informed the ultrasound tech of my birth defects (in my first pregnancy, my intestines kept getting in the way of seeing the baby.  I also have a heart shaped uterus.).  The ultrasound tech just smiled and said, "Ok, we'll just take a look and if we can't see anything, we'll do it vaginally."  Ugh.... ok.

Luckily, we found the baby within seconds.  She was measuring the baby and telling us everything on the screen.  Then she said, "it looks a little small."  My guard quickly went up.  I think I might have stopped breathing.  Then she said, "I can't see a heart beat."  She turned on the sound.....

...

...

Nothing.

I felt my heart drop.  I felt a tear fall from my eyes.  The tech went to get the doctor to view the images.  I just wiped my face, and Travis said, "It'll be ok.  Everything is alright."  Sharply, I responded, "Travis, there's no heart beat.  This isn't good."  He stayed quiet the rest of the time.

The doctor came into the room and looked at the screen.  He said the baby had stopped growing 6 days before.  He verified there was no heart beat.  The doctor went on talking about a hemorrhage and pointing to it on the screen.  I think I must have been in disbelief or shock.  I wasn't really sure if I was connecting the dots.  I knew he was a great doctor, so I might have had a little bit of hope left that some miracle could be done.  I asked him, "What does that mean?"  He responded, "it's not viable.  I'm sorry."  

I just gritted my teeth and tried holding back my tears, which didn't work.  I'm pretty sure the doctor said something more, but I wasn't listening.  I kept thinking, What the hell have I done to deserve this?  The tech said to meet the doctor in his office next door whenever we were ready.  She and the doctor left the room.  It was just Travis and I alone in this dark room... with the image of our baby on the screen.  I'll never forget looking at that screen one last time.  It's like time stopped.  Travis had come up to me, held my hand and hugged me.  He said something, but I was so entranced by that screen.  That little baby jellybean on the screen... It was alive. Now it's gone.

I took a deep breath, grabbed a tissue, wiped my face, and jumped down to grab my things.  Poor Travis, I don't think I looked at him or said anything to him.  I was so caught up in the moment, I neglected my husband.  I neglected his feelings too.  I knew he was hurt.  But it just didn't register for me.  We walked into the doctor's office next door.  His office was incredibly busy that day, so for him to take the time to sit down and wait for us... that says a lot about him and how genuine of a doctor he is.  That thought came into my mind as he started talking.  

The doctor discussed what he had seen in the ultrasound and gave me two options.  He said we could let it go naturally or we could do a D&C.  However, he said with my hemorrhaging, he highly recommended a D&C because going through the miscarriage naturally could cause for an emergency situation and put me in the ER.  I agreed to do the D&C.  He didn't want me to hemorrhage and drop the pregnancy before the D&C, so he scheduled our appointment for 5:30 AM the following day.  I was given orders to stay in bed and rest, and not to drink or eat anything after 11 PM.  He continued to talk to us about my previous miscarriages, and when I told him I have hemorrhaged before with my first pregnancy, he asked if he could run some tests to find out what is causing these miscarriages.  He did tell me that with my heart shaped uterus, I've probably had more early miscarriages that I didn't know about - which made me think of all the times I was late with a negative pregnancy test...  However, he did not feel that the shape of my uterus is causing my later miscarriages.  

I was pretty speechless.  I was afraid to talk.  I was afraid the moment I said anything, I'd start bawling.  Travis spoke up for me - which I'm very thankful for.  He told the doctor that many women in my family have multiple miscarriages or infertility.  The doctor said he has many patients that do, so not to worry.  "Let's just find some answers and go from there."

Travis and I had drove separately because he had to leave for work immediately after our appointment.  I sat in my car for a few minutes in silence.  I wanted to pray, but I didn't know what to pray for.  I wanted to cry now, but I held so much in, I just couldn't cry.  I called my work because I had told my boss I would be back in later that evening to finish up some things.  A very nice coworker, who was very excited to see ultrasound pictures, answered the phone.  She didn't pry... she could tell I didn't have good news when I told her I wouldn't be back in for a few days.  I told her we had lost the baby, and I didn't know when I would return to work.  She forwarded the message to my boss, who was very understanding.

That night, I made the dreadful phone calls to our parents.  "We lost the baby."  "I'm ok."  I told them everything the doctor said.  It was very well scripted.  I didn't want to cry.  I didn't want our family to worry.

Sometimes, I think guys show it in the weirdest of ways - but I think guys go through a mental mind fuck when they experience a miscarriage.  Their friends don't really understand.  Travis tried to be supportive as I went through my hormonal ups and downs.  He sat beside me throughout the procedure (when he could) and never left my side.  He saw how much pain I was in, and there was nothing he could do for me.  Travis tried to pick up the weight for two in this house - because I was so sick and in so much pain for a week after the D&C.  I did not recoup from the D&C well at all.  The pain was so intense, it would knock me to the ground.  I was on so much medication that when the pain meds wore off, I knew exactly when it did.  I tried to keep up with eating but the nausea and the constant pain made me not want to eat.  When I refused to eat before taking my next dosage, I regretted not eating.  Poor Travis, he had to watch it.  He didn't have time to grieve or heal his own heart.  He had to take care of me and everything else.  And all the while, many of his friends were not sympathetic.  They just didn't get it.

I look at him now and wonder how he kept himself together.  He got angry a few times - not at me - but at his friends who refused to see the big picture.  They were busy telling him he was whipped or a "puss" for not standing up to me.  They were busy telling him that he answers to my every beck and call... mind you... he just lost his baby, and he's watching his wife suffer with emotional breakdowns and physical pain.  What was he supposed to do?  And all the while, I was so focused on me and my pain, I wasn't there for him when he needed me.  My husband, who would do anything for me, didn't have anyone there for him and he didn't have a chance to grieve his loss.  I feel so guilty for this.  I've heard him say that it could be him... it could be his fault we can't have babies.  I know he's hurting and he's confused.  And now that I'm feeling better, I'm sorry that I wasn't there for him.  And I'm sorry no one took the time to be there for him in my absence.  

I don't know what I'm to take from this miscarriage.  I know I've questioned my faith all year.  But maybe just now isn't the time for Travis and I to have children.  We are not going to try again for a while.  I don't know when we'll be ready to try again.  All I know is that this year, we've promised to dedicate it to ourselves - to our marriage and our friendship.  I've promised to be more outgoing and spontaneous with his adventures.  I've promised to be a little bit more independent.  He's promised to be more of a home body.  He's promised to do more things with just the two of us - no other friends included.  Maybe that's just what we need....

Baby Fever Is Back

These past couple of days have been such a blast.  On Sunday, Travis and I went to his boss's Superbowl party.  I knew no one.  I was super nervous about meeting my husband's bosses wives.  I was hoping to make a good impression.  Needless to say, all of the wives I met were incredibly sweet and I talked with them non-stop.  I met two ladies who both had a baby less than a year old.  They were so adorable.  Both babies were really good, too.  Neither cried or threw a fit the entire night.  I got to play with the babies and talk to the moms about mommy things.  Neither of them looked at me or spoke to me like I was.... dumb.

Most mothers I know tell me that I don't have a clue what it is like to be a mom.  They will complain about motherhood, they will search for advice - but not from me.  They will solicit advice to me that I never asked for.  I do appreciate their good intentions, but sometimes, I can't help but feel like they think I'm stupid.

Previously, I talked about how I couldn't talk about pregnancy with my friends.  They knew I had gone through a miscarriage, and I felt like I couldn't join in the conversation.  It almost felt like I was outcasted because I don't have a baby.  I couldn't even talk about my pregnancy with them.  I just didn't feel like I belonged.  It was as if I was the big pink elephant in the room that you can't ignore, no matter how much you wanted to.

When I spent the evening talking with these mothers - I never once felt like an outcast.  They talked without inhibitions about their pregnancy.  They embraced the questions that I had and the experiences I have had.  They respected that Travis and I were waiting - even though I have baby on the brain like crazy.  I was never judged or felt like I was being judged.  They were completely accepting, and I didn't feel the way I did with my friends.  I had a great evening!  I think I will be talking with these ladies much more often.

Today, I spent the day with my mother-in-law Becky helping put together the Welcome Home party we were planning for my sister-in-law Amber.  Amber has been in Germany.  You can check out my 365 Day Picture Challenge blog for the post about her party.

As we were out shopping, I kept flocking to the baby stuff.  I couldn't help myself.  I catch myself looking for baby items all the time.  Becky laughed and asked me if there was something she needed to know.  Of course not - we are not expecting.  I'm just longing for a baby super bad.  Becky joked with Travis saying that we'll be having a baby soon.

At the party, the whole family was together.  I love those days.  I love my in-laws.  We use to spend every Sunday at Becky's house with all of Travis's brothers and sisters and our nephew.  I told them how much I had missed it since we've been working a lot and we haven't had the opportunity to visit in over a month.  Travis said, "You know you can go over to my mom's place any time you want!"  And he's right.  I can.  And I would love that.  I think I should do that more.

When we were all together, of course our nephew had everyone's attention.  He's a doll, and he loves to entertain.  Becky made a little comment saying, "Travis and Liz will be next!"  Everyone looked at me, expecting for a follow up of me saying I'm pregnant.  Travis remarked on all the looks, saying, "Thanks mom, now everyone is going to talk."  Haha - it was all in good fun.  Becky responded that I've been all over the baby stuff lately - it's just going to happen sooner than we plan.  ::shrug::  Maybe she's right.  But maybe I can put off my longing for a little while longer until I know for sure that Travis and I will be ok to take on a beautiful little baby (that looks just like Travis :P ).

I know it seems crazy, but I already have ideas for a nursery.  We already have baby names picked out. I just can't seem to help myself.  It's a Baby Fever I've caught!  It's only going to get worse, I know.  So, why not share my Baby Fever with my blog friends.  I like you guys.

Baby Names:
I've always had an obsession with 2 middle names.  I don't know why I love it so much.  But Travis is cool with it, so our kids will have 2 middle names.  We agreed that the first name has to be a name that we both agree on.  If it is a boy, the first middle name will be Travis's choice.  If it is a girl, the first middle name will be my choice.  The second middle name will be the other's choice.  And I love names that have tradition and meaning.

For a boy, we've chosen the name Nathaniel Robert Dean W.....  Nathaniel is Hebrew meaning "Gift of God."  We like it because our child could go by Nathaniel, Nathan, Nate, or even Neil.  Plus, the name is a solid, strong name for when he is an adult.  Travis chose Robert because that is his middle name.  Robert is also Travis's father's middle name.  And Robert is Travis's grandfather's name.  It's a good family name to pass down.  Robert means "bright fame."  I chose Dean for the second middle name because it is my father's middle name.  It isn't a name you hear often.  Not only do I think of my dad, but I also think of a legendary icon - James Dean.  When Travis and I met, we realized we had the exact same poster of James Dean.  Dean Martin is also a legendary member of the "Rat Pack" - which Travis and I find so fascinating.  Dean means "Valley" - which isn't really much of a meaning.

For a girl, we've chosen the name Shelby Ann Barbara W.....  I've always been in love with the name Shelby, and Travis thought it was a good fit with our last name.  I chose the middle name Ann because it is my middle name.  Back in the day, my grandmother and her sister decided to start a tradition.  My grandmother named her first daughter Charlotte Ann (my mother).  My great-aunt named her first daughter Sherry Ann.  My mom had me - Elizabeth Ann.  Sherry had Kelsey Ann.  To keep with the tradition, I will be using the middle name Ann.  Shelby is also a perfect fit because it sounds similar to Charlotte and Sherry.  Travis chose the middle name Barbara after his grandmother who passed away with Lou Gerigg's.  She was such a loving, beautiful, strong willed woman.  She had a good hand in raising Travis to be the man he is today.  Shelby means "sheltered town."  Ann means "Graceful."  Barbara means "Stranger."  If you jumble the meanings around, Shelby Ann Barbara could say:  A graceful stranger in a sheltered town.  I love it.

I find gray walls in nurseries to be so appealing.  I love how they make a room look large and comfy, and all bright colors in the room just pop.  I want my child's room to be bright - but not nauseatingly bright.  I think gray walls, white trim, and white furniture would look perfect for a nursery.  I know if we have a girl, Travis is just going to have to deal with pink.  I have so many stuffed animals and ballerina decor from when I was a little girl.  My daughter will have a ballerina themed nursery.

Less white and add ballerinas - it would be perfect.
babble

For a boy, I just want bright colors.  I love how bright blue and orange look against gray.  When I found this picture, it became my inspiration.  Travis is such a nature, out-doorsy person.  It would only be suiting to our son to have that sort of theme for his room, too.

And it has little blue birds too!  It matches my blog!
Birdhouse

A girl can dream....

I Want to Be A Mommy Too

I have been cleaning the house, doing laundry, and just hanging out on my day off.  I talked to my sister today, and I decided to clean up my computer.  I'm getting rid of old blogs, old websites, old emails (if I can ever figure out the passwords), and deleting old files.  My computer is full of ancestry photos and documents, portfolio stuff for work & from school, and random pictures.  I use my personal computer a LOT for work and volunteering, so I am "Cleaning House" so my computer doesn't get overloaded.  I found an old blog that I never really shared with anyone.  And I found this old post.  I wrote this a few months after my miscarriage.  I just felt like sharing it here.  It was intense emotions that I was feeling at the time. 

*********************

One of the greatest blessings in the world is to have your baby healthy and safe in your arms.  To hear his little footsteps as your toddler runs across the floor.  To hear their giggles turn into a voice.  To smell her and feel her breathing as you rock her to sleep.  Even preparing to have a little one is exciting.  Getting to see the clothes they will soon wear and hear your baby's heartbeat for the first time.  To plan how you will raise your child, even though once the baby arrives, you realize your plans just aren't feasible.  It's dreamy.

For a long time, I felt bitter.  Maybe I still am, and I'll willingly admit it.  When I was 17 years old, a doctor told me that I might not be able to have children.  Being 17, that's a lot to take in.  I'm only a kid with a life to live.  I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not I can have kids right now.  As I got older, I was ok with putting those thoughts on the back-burner.  I lived my life.  I had fun during my wild streak.  I learned a lot of valuable lessons about becoming an adult.  And when I thought I met the man I was going to marry, I saw a different doctor who said the same thing.  "There is a 50/50 chance you will be able to conceive."  I thought I had a solid relationship at the time.  We weren't married or even engaged, but we were in a strong 5-year relationship where all signs were pointing to marriage some day.  So, I broke the news to him.... heartbroken.  I will never forget the day.  After I told him, he watched TV for a minute or two before our friends called asking us to come over and watch a movie.  In the car on the way to our friend's place, he was quiet.  I asked him what he was thinking.  He replied, "I'd like to have a son some day."  I replied very melancholy, "I would like to be a mommy some day."  And that's when I got a slap of reality.

"If you can't have kids, I'd have to think about whether or not I want to be with you."

That relationship went downhill after that conversation.  I moved on with my life and found an amazing guy.  Because of what I had been through in my previous relationship, I decided that when we got serious, I would break the news to him early.  My friends thought I was crazy telling my boyfriend so early when it'll just scare him with the idea of having children.  I didn't care.  I was adamant about not falling head over heels to get hurt the way I was hurt before.  If it is going to end, the earlier the better.  When I told Travis, his reply was, "Oh well.  There's always adoption.  Plenty of children out there need moms."  I was relieved.

After we were married, we found out on our 1 year anniversary that I was expecting.  I was nervous, like any other new mother would be.  I felt confused.  When I was expecting, I had a lot of health issues going on - and all fingers were crossed that this baby would live.  Travis was a nervous wreck - like any other new father would be.  But, he was mostly worried about my health.  We prepared for our little one.  I finally felt ready to be a mom.  Those words both the previous doctors had told me became very real when I lost my baby.  The doctor I had been seeing at this point told me that while I can conceive a child, carrying is going to be a risk.  It is very likely that I will have more miscarriages, and very likely that I will be forced into pre-term labor as early as 6 months.  Having a baby is not going to be an easy feat for me like many other women.  And this is why it is so sensitive for me.

Ellie knows how I feel.

Multiple times, over and over again, I have been told, "It just wasn't meant to be,"  "It's for the best,"  "Maybe you aren't meant to be a mother,"  and the most painful:  "You don't know what being a mother is like."  All of these comments, I cannot understand how they can make me feel better.

It wasn't meant to be?  Like a 14 year old having a baby is meant to be?

"It's for the best."  My baby died, and that was for the best?

"Maybe you aren't meant to be a mother."  Like some drug addict with multiple children is?

For the last comment, my answer is always: "You don't know what it's like to lose a child you wanted." 

People get frustrated with me frequently because this is sensitive to me.  I can't help it.  I would love to be a mom.  Right now, it would be difficult due to our current circumstances, and I am fine with that decision.  But you know, Travis and I are preparing ourselves so that we can try to have children soon. We are in the works of establishing ourselves so that we can provide not just for a child - but for losing another child.  We are preparing for the high risk pregnancy.  We are preparing for the costs that we will endure to have a baby.  We are financially, physically, and emotionally preparing ourselves for whatever is to be thrown our way.  And I don't feel like I should have to apologize for feeling so sensitive about this topic.

How many mothers out there have ever planned how they wanted to raise their children?  How many thought they knew it all before the baby arrived?  A MILLION, probably.  Many soon-to-be parents have made comments like, "I would never have my child eat that" only to find out that if your child is a picky eater, and as long as they eat something, it's better than nothing!  Or, say, "I would never give my child a pacifier that fell on the floor" - and after the child is here, the baby drops their pacifier or hides it in random places and POP it goes right in their mouth.  Or, "I'm going to breast feed and use cloth diapers" only to find that they just can't keep up with it due to their lifestyle or because the baby won't take on to breastfeeding.  It's ok to make plans.  It's ok to have your own ideas of parenting.  It's ok to have your opinions - because more often than not, life lessons will show you if that is even going to work for your child or not.  So, of course, I have my own opinions on parenting.  It doesn't mean I'm right or wrong - it just means that that's my plan as of right now.

I remember talking to my mother about this.  Her reply was, "You don't really know what it is like to be a mom, though."  And I told her my repetitious remark, "well you don't know what it is like to lose a child you wanted."  She went on to say that I can't take those things so personally.  But my question is, why is that if I bring up my opinions on how I want to raise my kids, people disregard me because I "don't have a clue," or they take my opinions offensively because I am "telling parents how to raise their children."  If I have to be so cautious with the words I say to certain people, then why can't others have the same cautious effort with the choice of words they say to me?  If I have to be either considerate of other people's feelings or let them voice their feelings - why can't I have the same?  My mother's answer was spot on:

"Because it's depressing."

Yeah.... it is a sad story.  

And I can't talk about it.

A dear friend of mine and Travis's knows a doctor that works with high risk/complicated pregnancies.  He has worked with intestinal malrotation and my other birth defects - but I have no idea if he has handled them all in one case.  Either way, our friend is going to talk to him and see if we can get an appointment to speak with him.  Travis and I are serious about having kids.  When we have children is still a mystery, but we're going to try to make this work.  I want at least one doctor who is going to look at this in a positive light.  I'm praying that there is a doctor who will say, "You WILL have a baby."  So far, 3 out of 3 doctors haven't given me much positive news.  After all, I'm going on 26.... my clock is ticking and I want to hear something good.

*****************************

I remember feeling heartbroken when I wrote it.  Losing Anjelica was a bad dream that came to life.  It was as if all the doctors who told me I couldn't have kids were right.  This was the proof.  And worst of all, I felt less of a woman.  I felt less... human, I guess.  I know during this time I was incredibly confused.  I know I was not in my right mind when I was sick and when we lost our baby.  Everything hit me all at once.  I was mean.  I was bitter.  And I probably hurt a lot of people I shouldn't have, because let's be honest - misery loves company.  I was miserable.  I had racing emotions I couldn't control.  All of the bad memories wouldn't leave me alone.  While I know I can't give excuses for poor behavior, it's the truth.  I am incredibly sorry for anyone I have offended or been rude towards.  That is not me.  That is not my nature.  But I know I did it, and I am holding myself 100% accountable for all the wrong I have done to hurt people's feelings.  It is inexcusable for me to be so bitter and cold, especially towards those who don't deserve it.

Travis and I are not planning on having children yet.  Obviously, we have our goals that we are working to accomplish.  Travis enjoys talking to me about kids.  We talk about how we want to raise them.  He's going to have to be the bad guy, because I have a feeling it's going to be so hard for me to punish my wittle babies, even if they do wrong.  If my child cries, I'll probably turn into a mushy lump and say "I'm so sorry!"  Maybe not... but maybe so.  But we joke frequently, and we talk about what kind of parents we want to be.  Neither of us are ready yet.  For now, when we go out, Travis will let me scope out the baby aisles.  I get to look at adorable baby clothes, and tell Travis how I'm going to dress our children.  I check out baby furniture and live in my dreamy little world.  The best part is:

Travis joins in, too.

Someday... just not today.  And we are completely ok with that.

Waiting & Jealous - I have to get this off my chest.

I can't help fight this funk.  I was pregnant before - and it was bad timing, and at first, I was upset.  But then I finally became ok with it and excited about it.  Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage this past April.  Ever since, I've been in this funk.  My husband and I are in no place to start TTC.  We're re-building our nest right now.  But I have baby fever - BAD.

My husband has noticed it.  He keeps reminding me that now is just not the time.  He says one day, we will have a home and start a family.  I just can't help fight this feeling - I'm impatient.  It's like my biological clock is ticking (and I'm only 24!).  Everyone around me is having babies.  One of my friends is due Oct. 29 - two days after my baby's due date.  It literally aches seeing her updates.  Don't get me wrong, I'm am incredibly happy for all my friends.  But I'm not exaggerating when I say I had 7 friends tell me in the same week that they are all expecting.  I can't help but feel jealous.  They all want to talk to me about all the great updates on their pregnancies, and I am happy for them that all is going well.  But, I can't help feeling sad at the same time.  Like today, I just found out that my cousin in-law is having baby #2.  He and his girlfriend moved into this nice 3 bedroom home.  He invited my husband and I over, and the moment I stepped into his house, saw all the baby toys, saw the house coming together.... I had to take a moment to step outside and breathe.  I felt like I was just going to bawl.  I'm so glad that everything is working out for them, but I just wish my life was in a better place for my hubster and I.

I know it wasn't in the cards we were dealt.  We were given a tough hand.  But I can't help feeling like I should be where they are by now.  I should have a career, a home, and be starting a family too.  But no... I'm waiting and trying to get everything all worked out now.  I know we're going about this the right way.  I know I'm doing the smart thing.  The feelings are just eating me alive right now, and I just can't escape them.