April always hits me hard. It was April 5th, 2011 that I lost my first baby at 11 weeks and 6 days. So of course, I am incredibly sensitive to a lot of baby topics. April Fools Day is like salt in the wounds. I came across this very popular blog post from Scissortail Silk, and I wish I could give her a standing ovation. Thank you!
Three years ago, on April Fools Day, I saw the ultrasound and heard my baby's heartbeat. Everything looked fine. I had been going into the doctor's office for weekly ultrasounds to monitor the baby. I had finally received the clearance that I would only have to go every other week now that I had reached the second trimester. Little did we know that 4 days later, I would lose my child.
I have been surrounded with baby announcements lately. I love my friends and family, I do. But with the memories of my 1st miscarriage, and with the 3rd miscarriage so fresh in my mind, I feel like I'm going through the grief again. Coworkers have brought their newborns into work for everyone to dote on - and they are really precious. I'm happy for them. They bring in pictures of their babies in cute outfits, and we all "aww" in the office. But deep down, my heart is falling into my stomach. I run to the restroom to hide in a stall and let my sobs out so no one will know. I'm in a wedding this June, and 2 of the bridesmaids are pregnant. One is due a week before my due date.... with twins. I have no idea how I will survive the bridal shower, the planning, and the wedding being with them all day with their beautiful baby glow. And I have two friends that are pregnant as well who I see often. I can't get on Facebook or Pinterest without seeing a new ultrasound or update - or pins for maternity outfits and nursery decor. Meanwhile, I have a drawer full of baby shower decor, baby books where only 1 or 2 pages are filled out, scrapbook pages of my ultrasounds and baby bump pictures, and maternity clothes that I can't wear.
I know this sounds bitter, but it aches. I'm happy for them, and sad for me. I know Travis and I have decided to not try anymore for a while, and we have a wonderful honeymoon planned for Disney this September. But I'm looking around, and I feel anger, sadness, jealousy, sickness, and confusion. Why is it that everything works out for everyone else but us? It feels like God is taunting me. Why is it that everyone else can have a baby without even trying? Why is it that one bridesmaid is getting TWO when I only want ONE? Why does she deserve a baby and I don't?
It pains me to hear some of the comments I get. "It's God's will." "At least you can wear a bikini this summer." "I'll let you borrow my kid for a day. You'll change your mind forever on having kids! He/She's being a brat all day!" "At least you know you can get pregnant." "At least you can drink whatever you want!" These comments only dig at the wounds in my heart. When someone passively blows off their children in front of me - knowing what I've been through - it's like salt in the wounds.
Maybe I get too far ahead of myself. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't need to turn this into a competition or a contest. I have to keep telling myself that this time has worked for them, just not for me yet. My day will come. I don't have to keep up with everyone else. I can't lie and say that it isn't killing me, because it is. I'm crying nightly, wishing I had my babies. But that wasn't in the hand I was dealt, and I don't need to make this about me vs. everyone else.
I wish it were easy to move on....